Somebody Gave Justin Bieber Another Monkey

Justin Bieber abandoned his last pet monkey, Mally, in Germany, because he’s an irresponsible piece of butt hole lint who shouldn’t even be allowed to take care of a broken Tamagotchi. But because his piggy bank is filled to the top with zillions of dollars and nobody can say no to a crying stoned toddler in wizard culottes, somebody else gave him ANOTHER pet monkey.

TMZ says that the Biebs chartered a private jet to take him from Miami, FL to Burbank, CA yesterday and he kept the entire crew waiting for hours because he wouldn’t leave without his newest pet monkey. Sources tell TMZ that the Biebs’ leased private jet was supposed to leave Miami at 11AM yesterday, but the pilot got a call saying that he was going to be late. When he finally showed up at 3pm, he told the pilot he still wasn’t ready to go because he had to pick up his pet monkey in West Palm Beach. Since the Biebs loves to burn money and his destiny is to become the next MC Hammer, he spent more money on chartering a helicopter from Miami to West Palm Beach so that he could skip all the traffic on the streets and highway.

The Biebs eventually made it back to Miami from West Palm Beach and the private jet took off with him inside it at around 5pm. TMZ doesn’t know if Justin’s monkey made it onto the jet with him. I’m guessing that the monkey made it onto the jet but the Biebs did not. The monkey knew that it was only a matter of time before the Biebs would abandon it somewhere, so he gave that toddler douche just a pinch of chronic. Since most fetuses can’t handle their weed, the Biebs passed out and his monkey pulled off his clothes and tied him up. The monkey shaved all of its hair off, put on the Biebs’ clothes and strolled onto that jet without anybody even noticing. So if you see Justin Bieber acting out of character (examples: behaving non-douche-like, being responsible and acting humble), you know what’s really up and don’t blow the monkey’s cover. It’s better for everyone this way.