From The BOOOO Files: Adele Did Not Tell Chris Brown Off

The bodyguard’s piping hot side-eye says a million things including, “I will have to tag Adele out and jump in if that hand comes up higher,” so when this picture started making the rounds after the Grammys on Sunday night, somebody made up a story that Adele read Chris Brown his rights for not standing up for his parking space rival Frank Ocean. The story was sort of (not really) believable, because Adele was dressed like an off-duty schoolmarm who is always schooling brat ass tricks, so it sort of (not really) made sense that she would scold that throbbing urethra wart. Everybody from The Sun to the Daily Mail to HuffPo picked up the “Adele tells Chris Brown off” story and ran it as the truth. But Adele stuck a needle in everyone’s bubble yesterday when she said on Twitter that she wasn’t slapping a trick down with her words, she was throwing him a compliment. WHA??????!???

Unless your name is Scott Peterson, Ike Turner, Mel Gibson or Charlie Sheen, what is there to compliment Chris Brown on? Maybe Adele complimented Chris Brown on his anorexic anaconda dick? Or maybe Adele complimented him on his toddler boys communion suit from Sears? No, Adele probably gave him a pat on the back for going a full day without whooping a trick or throwing a full-on rage fit in the middle of a parking lot. He really should get a gold star for that.