RuPaul’s Drag Race: Dick Did Willam In

May 1, 2012 / Posted by:

On last night’s grand finale of RuPaul’s Drag Race (click here to see the whole thing), Willam finally burped up the rule she broke that led to her getting banished to the land of misfit wigs. Willam didn’t get sashayed away for cheating on a challenge or for being Shangela in disguise. Willam fucked himself by getting fucked!

When you make the cast of Drag Race, you have to tuck that fact into your mouth and you’re not allowed to tell anyone. Willam tried to convince his husband that he was off to Europe to shoot a movie, but ho didn’t believe him and followed him to the hotel where he fucked the crown away. Willam later told producers that the muffled moans coming from his room weren’t from Phi Phi trying to take the competition out by suffocating him with a breastplate. Willam told them the truth and that’s why she was told to take a final strut down the catwalk. Here’s the Disqualification of Willam in her own words:

Willam: “When you go away to Drag Race, you can’t tell anyone — it’s top secret. And I told my husband I was doing a non-union horror movie in Europe, which I’ve done before and they suck, so don’t watch them. And he didn’t believe me. He was like, ‘Why you gotta take all this drag?’ So I lied, and he followed me to the hotel. The first night, he walked on my door, and it was a delivery!”

Ru: “So in other words, you were receiving conjugal visits from your husband and, unfortunately, that was in violation of the rules?”

Willam: “Visiting makes it sound like we were visiting — there wasn’t no talking. But they were very long visits — he’s 6’6″.”

I’ve always said that if you’re going to screw yourself out of $100,000, you might as well have something to show for it like a sore asshole and a sex spot on the hotel sheets. Peen is the only acceptable reason for getting DQ’ed from a competition.

Willam’s explanation for barfing on the side of the stage didn’t make it into last night’s episode, but Entertainment Weekly was at the taping and they said she ate too much food. Willam knew she was going to get eliminated and so she ate her feelings at lunch.

Willam explained that she knew she was getting eliminated from the show, so during her lunch break that day, she gorged herself. If you remember, she was wearing a corset-style top that day. So it was simply biology at work: She ate too much and was squeezed into something too small to hold it — so something had to go. Willam did explain, however, that she cleaned up the mess herself.

This explanation makes sense when you remind yourself that Willam’s idea of food is anything that comes in a bottle with the word VODKA written on it. Please, like that bitch eats food!

As for the queen who took it all, you won’t get any complaints from me. If the crown didn’t go to Chad Michaels, the graceful flower plucked from the Laurie Waring garden, then it needed to go to Sharon Needles. Anybody but Phi Phi’s Gene Hackman in drag looking ass.

Okay, maybe I have one complaint. Sharon wore a Ouija board headpiece that blocked the tiara Ru put on her head. Sharon is officially the queen now so it’s her duty to always keep her head crown-ready from now on.

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