A-Rod Hasn’t Met A Lot Of Human Beings

A-Rod, the Christina Hendricks of major league baseball, has moved on from Cameron Diaz to another naranja-skinned blonde with a torso like the Hulk’s muscled shaft, but she’ll forever hold a special place deep within the six-pack on his roided-up heart. The Insider’s Kevin Frazier interviewed A-Rod for some reason and asked him about his past pieces. A-Rod lit up like a trick just stuck a roid needle in his ass and the nipples on his magnificent MVCs (most valuable chichis) puckered when he started talking about Cameron Diaz. via Page Six:

“I don’t like talking about my relationships, but I will tell you about CD: She’s probably one of the greatest human beings I’ve ever met, and just an amazing light.”

I typed out that shade throwing headline before I really thought about this. A-Rod is a simple bitch, so my ass is assuming that he considers Cameron the greatest human being alive, because she never flinched while massaging Lubriderm into his under titty crevices and she’s always got a Ziploc bag full of the good shit in her pocket. And when he said she’s “just an amazing light” he meant that she’s an experienced stoner who can steadily hold a lighter over a bowl while doing bong hits in the back of a pick-up truck driving on a bumpy dirt road during a windy night. So if that’s what A-Rod means, I won’t say that the roids must’ve crept up into his brain and ate the part that stores all the memories of most of the human beings he’s met. No, I won’t.

Here’s the greatest human being A-Rod has ever met at CinemaCon in Las Vegas yesterday.