As If Shit Couldn’t Get More Awkward

December 2, 2011 / Posted by:

The virgin bride and groom who embedded a week’s worth of nightmares into everyone’s brains by making their first kiss look like two zombies barfing creamed human brains into each other’s mouths are back. In this longer trailer for TLC’s Virgin Diaries, the virgin bride and groom take a stroll while talking in detail about how their official cherry plucking ceremony is going to go down. If only they spent as much time in practicing their kissing skills as they did in planning their inaugural sexy times together.

They plan to take separate showers and she’ll get into her lingerie while he gets into a robe. Then they’ll do the foreplay before making the sex. It sounds about as erotic as your grandmama reciting the instructions on a Pop Tart box. But they did leave out a few details. They forgot to tell the cameras that they’re going to turn off all the lights, cut a glory hole in a bed sheet, blast the TV so nobody hears them and ask their experienced friend to stand by on call just in case they forget which hole it goes into. You know, personally, I think the whole “cleansing their parts in the shower” thing beforehand is a really bad idea. What if they use up all the hot water? Then homegirl will have to cry out her sexual frustrations at the bottom of a cold shower after he busts a load before even sticking the tip in.

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