These Three Will Terrorize Us Forever!

The Jersey Shore whores are about to be launched into Italy to shoot the fourth (and probably final) season of their cinematic gonorrhea rash of a show, and they were supposed to disappear into the dark oblivion after that. The beasts crawl out of the earth’s open sore from Hades, wreak havoc on our people and then slither back into the underworld once the damage has been done. That’s what we all learned mythology class (I never took mythology class)! That’s how it was supposed to happen.

I mean, JWoww is supposed to use her fortune to open up a roadside strip club/dog boarding/elegant boutique and eventually get sent to prison for dog sex trafficking (Whoring out dogs to other dogs, of course. She’s not a total monster). Pauly D is supposed marry the Guidette of his dreams, get really fat and get a job as a night manager of a check cashing place. And Snooki is supposed to lead the Ewoks in a battle against the Imperial shield generator. They aren’t supposed to be on our TVs anymore. Oh, but they are! USA Today says that MTV has picked up pilots starring Pauly D, JWoww and Snooki! The gruesome details:

MTV has just announced two Jersey Shore spinoff shows.

First is The Untitled Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Jenni “JWoww” Farley Project. Viewers will get to see how Snooki and JWoww “deal with life and love” in 12 episodes.

The second – The untitled Paul “DJ Pauly D” Del Vecchio Project – will follow Pauly D’s “jet-setting and often hilarious life on the road as one of the country’s most in-demand DJs.” MTV has ordered 12 episodes.

Both of the reality projects will begin production later this year and are slated to air in 2012.

Our only hope are the Italians! They can lure them under the Tower of Pisa and then make it lean ALL THE WAY. Yes, an icon of Italy will be destroyed forever, but that’s a small price to pay!