When The Wife Bites Back

May 5, 2010 / Posted by:

Siohvaughn Wade, the wife of Miami Heat player Dwayne Wade, has filed a lawsuit against his girlfriend Gabrielle Union for causing emotional distress to her two children. File this under: Bitch, you still mad?

In documents filed in Chicago on Tuesday, Siohvaughn says that Gabrielle “engaged in sexual foreplay with Dwyane Wade” in front of her 8-year-old and 2-year-old sons. Siohvaughn explained that during an unsupervised visit at Dwayne’s house in Miami, her 8-year-old caught Gabrielle and his daddy kissing on each other. When her son met with the court-appointed child rep, he said he never wanted to go “the house where the woman kissing daddy lives.” The suit also alleges that her youngest son almost drowned in Dwayne’s pool and Gabrielle once drove the kids to the park with the oldest boy in the front seat.

Siohvaughn says that all of this caused her 8-year-old to suffer major amounts of stress and anxiety. The boy is all kinds of nervous and is even losing his hair. Apparently, he’s undergoing mental evaluations at the University of Chicago.

Siohvaughn wants $50,000 from Gabrielle.

I’m guessing that the Wade boys have eyes made of pure crystal and are only surrounded by pristine images of fairies flying through rainbows, etc…etc… I know it’s weird watching your father tongue a ho who isn’t your mom, but this is a bit extreme. If Siohvaughn wants to talk about emotional distress, we can fucking talk about emotional distress. REAL TALK TIME (cue the band). I’m going to RAISE your emotional distress, Siovaughn.

Shortly after my parents divorced my father married a Heather Mills-like cuntress who lost her leg in a motorcycle accident. When I was a kid we used to visit them every other weekend. Well, early one Sunday morning my sister and I wanted to wake my dad up so he could make us pancakes or some shit. When we opened up his bedroom door we were slapped in the eyeballs with an image that will forever be burned into our brains. My dad was humping on my stepmother missionary style and she didn’t have her fake leg on! Bitch’s one leg was going up and down like an out of control seesaw! I still cringe when I walk near a playground.

That fucked me up, but do you see me suing my father and stepmother for all the money I spent on booze, drugs and kittens to help me erase that horrific portrait of a nightmare from my memory? Wait. Actually, that isn’t such a bad idea. I do need more money for booze and drugs.

Forget everything I said, Siohvaughn. I’ll send you a thank you basket as soon as I get my settlement.

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