Jesus Is A Kabbalahist Now

Is it Kabbalahist? I didn’t know what to call a ho who studies that stuff. Kabbalahead? I almost wrote red stringer, but that sounds like it involves a dirty tampon. Which would kind of be fitting since this post is about Vadge. Kabbahlist it is, for now.

Reportedly, Vadge’s personal Jesus has switched over to Kabbalah. There’s one million and one religious jokes in there, but I don’t know dick about religion. Probably because I was too busy sucking it in the church parking lot when I should’ve been at confirmation classes. Ungodly, I know. I’ll get mine.

A source told The Daily Mirror (via SP) that Jesus has been telling friends he has converted and has even researched Kabbalah on the internet. The source went on to say, “He has joined an online Kabbalah group and is keen to become an active member. Madonna has also offered to take him to the Kabbalah center in New York and he is exceedingly keen to take her up on that.”

Jesus’ family are strict Catholics so apparently they aren’t going to be happy about this. My abuelita would’ve tied him to a tree and kept him there overnight if he pulled this shit on her. My abuelita actually did that to one of her daughters when she found out she gave a dude a handjob! I’m not even joking. Abuelitas are not the ones.

Okay, is it that easy to convert to Kabbalah? I guess all you have to do is place your skin berries in Vadge’s roided-up nutcracker, close your eyes and say goodbye to your friends. You may lose your nuts, but you’ll gain a pretty red string to wear around your wrist.

Here’s Kabbalah recruiter Vadge and red stringer Jesus leaving some restaurant in NYC last night.