Vanessa Paradis

This piece of gossip comes from the chronicle of journalistic integrity that is the British tabloid Now Magazine (via DM), so it's obviously made of one hundred percent truthfulness and you should submit it to the CNN tip line after you're done here. No joke, it was probably on CNN this morning. So, you know how the tabloids painted Vanessa Paradis as a crusty, nagging, fun-hating witch who drove Johnny Depp into Amber Heard's twat  of solace by whining at him about everything? Well, a source tells Now that Vanessa has stopped screaming at Johnny and is cursing Amber Heard's name instead. I feel a cover of "The Boy Is Mine" called "The Hobo Is Mine" by Vanessa & Amber coming on. The source puts it like this:

"Vanessa's devastated that Johnny's dumped her. She blames Amber and calls her a man-stealing, two-bit nobody and has vowed to not let her anywhere near their children."

A two-bit nobody? Since when does Vanessa talk like a character from Mama's Family? Vanessa should've went all the way by calling her a two-bit nobody tramp harlot from around the way.

Since I only look at the superficial layer of any situation, I see shit like this. Vanessa had Johnny at the height of his freshness and supreme hotness, and Amber Heard, if she's doing him, has him when he's looking like the way he's looking now. It's kind of like if I ate a freshly made Double Double from In-N-Out twenty minutes ago and started foaming at the mouth with jealous rage when somebody sat next to me and started nibbling on a half-eaten, stale, moldy, Double Double they found in the dumpster. Okay, it's nothing like that, because I'd still make jealous eyes at a trick eating a rotten Double Double and I'd still hit current day Johnny Depp. Scratch everything I said and just look at these pictures from the Paris Cinema Festival of Vanessa looking like the Evil Spirit from the Care Bears movie.

Lainey at Lainey Gossip read and covered UsWeekly's cover story about the tragic demise of VaJohnny, and you'll believe all of it if you believe that Vanessa Paradis nagged at Johnny Depp so much that he finally walked the plank of their marriage and dove face-first into a sea of snatch. Vanessa  whine cried at Johnny about living on a private island with just the kids, so he drowned his sorrows in his publicist's chocha. Vanessa whine cried at Johnny about wanting to move to Los Angeles, so he drowned his sorrows in Amber Heard's twat. It was kind of like a drinking game. Every time Vanessa bitched about something, Johnny did a shot of punane. Lainey broke UsWeekly's mess of a story down like this:

-V wanted to break up 2 years ago because she was unhappy
-V complained all the time about their low key lifestyle. She didn’t want to stay on a private island and quietly raise their babies. She was bored and restless.
-V was the one who wanted to move to LA and that’s when it all unravelled.
-V was the one who insisted that he make big budget Disney movies because she loved the money. Johnny wasn’t interested but only did them for her.
(Please tell me you’re shaking your head and rolling your eyes now.)
-When those movies became big ass deals, V then resented J for his success.

Says an Us Weekly source:

“Nothing Johnny did was ever good enough for Vanessa. When he was working, she wasn’t happy. And when he wasn’t working, he was called a slob for not doing enough for the kids and her family.”

Frustrated and in pain, the only outlet Johnny had was other woman - someone who played a mermaid in Pirates, maybe Eva Green, Amber Heard, his publicist...

That shit reads like it was taken directly from his publicist's strategy book marked "How To Spin It So JD Doesn't Look Like He's Crashing Directly Into A Mid-Life Crises." UsWeekly forgot to include the one where Vanessa tried to kill all of Johnny's hotness by sucking his sense of style through the portal of doom between her front teefs. Seriously, if Vanessa whined at him about everything, couldn't she have whined at him about dressing like what it would look like if a witch turned a Sedona souvenir shop into a human?

After months of denying the rumors that he's drunkenly whoring it up while she's at home taking care of the chirrun, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have stopped denying and have publicly announced that they are going their separate ways like Vanessa's front teeth. Johnny Depp's spokeswhore gave a short and simple statement of words to Entertainment Tonight and confirmed that after 14 years together, he's no longer sticking his tongue between Vanessa's gap and they both wish everyone will not sniff up their asses for more information. Johnny doesn't have to worry about me sticking my nose in his ass, because I'm not about to get butt scabies up in my nostrils. (I'm lying, I still would.) Here's VaJohnny's break-up statement:

"Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have amicably separated. Please respect their privacy and, more importantly, the privacy of their children."

This is the opposite of shocking, I know. VaJohnny hasn't been photographed together in what seems like centuries and all of their denials just seemed like publicist talk for "mind your own fucking ugly business." AND Johnny Depp allegedly has the mark of an Olsen on his peen. When your piece has the mark of an Olsen on his peen, you kick him out of the house, torch all his clothes and get the trailer witch to blow sage smoke at your chocha to rid yourself of the troll curse! So yeah, this isn't surprising.

Every waif-ish, 20-something who always looks hungry should brace herself, because Johnny is ready to whore it up and he's coming for you! Vanessa should also brace herself, because John Mayer is going to try to complete his transformation into Johnny Depp by coming after her. Get yourself some douche repellent, Vanessa!

People said earlier this year that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis' relationship had a hole in it bigger than the gap in her moufs and their sources didn't think there was any chance of them patching that shit up. Johnny was off grinding on tricks in the club while drunk out of his head skull and Vanessa was off being a mom in the French countryside or some shit. It was one of those "THEY'RE LIVING TWO DIFFERENT LIVES!!!!" kind of stories. Vanessa quickly said in so many words that the rumors weren't true. Now it's Johnny's turn to spit out a denial. During the London premiere of the abomination that is the Dark Shadows movie, the mash-up of Adam Ant and Keith Richards told The Sun that he's still happily slipping his tongue in Gappy's gap:

"They are absolutely not true. No matter what I say about this, people believe the opposite. I can’t say enough about it not being over.”

That's wonderful and everything, but The Sun asked the wrong question. They should've asked Johnny why he broke up with shampoo and when can we expect them to start "canoodling" again? That's the question I really need the answer to.

Vanessa Paradis, seen here looking Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter after tanning and a brow pluck, is doing press for her new movie Cafe de Flore around Paris and all reporters were told to keep questions about her personal life inside of their mouths or she'd nibble their eyes out with her reverse Jack O' Lantern grill. The hosts at the French radio station Europe 1 (via DM) didn't listen to that warning and asked Vanessa about the rumors that VaJohnny is now lying next to the grave of Heidi & Seal's marriage. Vanessa didn't confirm, deny or even open a beer bottle with her gap and down all the sweet nectar before breaking the bottle on the host's head. Vanessa only said this:

"You know, when I eat three peas, I'm pregnant. When I visit a city, I'm buying a house. In the winter I separate, in the summer I marry. It's been fifteen years since I've been getting married every year. In addition I have to answer all these rumors!"

Oh, Vanessa, it is SO HARD for you having to answer all those questions. SO HARD. My sympathies would be with you at this difficult question-asking time, but I've already sent them out to something that really needs them today: Michael Fassbender's big dick for not getting an Oscar nomination.

Whenever somebody asks Vanessa a question she doesn't want to answer, she should put on a pastel polo shirt, warm up her voice and then give us what we all really want. THIS:

Seriously, every question should be answered with Joe Le Taxi.

Radar started digging a grave in the Hollywood Relationship Cemetery for Vanessa Paradis and Johnny Depp's relationship a couple of weeks ago when they reported that V and J are no longer rubbing their greasy, dirty, cheese-covered parts on each other. (What's really sad is that when Vanessa and Johnny rub on each other, their bodies churn out a gourmet ball of French American cheese jelly that is best enjoyed on a slice of stale bread with a glass of red table wine.) Well, People Magazine just jumped into their tractor and dug a bigger hole in VaJohnny's grave, because they say on their cover this week that the love between Vanessa and Johnny is flatlining.

People's sources say that Vanessa, Johnny and and their two chirruns used to live a simple family life in a small town in the South of France. You know, they'd skip around in berets all day and then spend their evenings baking baguettes on the wood burning fireplace in their 18th century chateau while reciting the works of famous French poet Pepe Le Pew. Charming shit like that. But not anymore. The family spends most of their time in L.A. now and Johnny and Vanessa are hardly ever together. People doesn't really spit any details on their website (you have to flip through it at Barnes & Noble if you want to know more), but their source says that after 14 years, it's all but done.

People Magazine is usually the voice of the publicist, so when they go rogue, it has to be true. This doesn't really leave me with the sads inside. The bar on Hollywood relationships is so low that Lucifer is using it as a butt dildo, so 14 years is FOREVER in Hollywood years. It does kind of suck, though, that the image of Johnny sticking his tip into Vanessa's ultra wide teeth gap is no longer relevant. Vanessa's nights are so not going to be the same without hearing Johnny give her that dirty talk like, "Tell me you want me to finger that gap, pute!"

Vanessa Paradis and Johnny Depp's 14 year long relationship has lived through a movie shoot with St. Angie Jolie, dick wandering rumors and his various degrees of hotness, so every whore expected them to last forever. Well, I guess forever in Hollywood years is 14, because Radar is putting all their chips on Vanessa and Johnny joining the Another One Bites A Dust Club of 2012. Their source is trying to say that the love between VaJohnny is slipping away the same way a ho does when they walk behind Johnny as he shakes out the greasy mop of oily locks on his head.

The source's story is that Vanessa and Johnny are verbally brawling all the time and he's pretty much over it. The source puts it like this: "Johnny isn't handling anything well right now. People around him are worried about how Johnny is doing because he and Vanessa seem so fractured right now. Their relationship is heading toward the end. Johnny has started reaching out to lawyers, probably to quietly discuss how to get out of the relationship. They're not married but they've been together for years and have kids together so it isn't as easy as just breaking up."

Johnny is a drunk doucheweasel sometimes (who isn't?) and his mouth diarrheas up the stupid on a regular basis (whose mouth doesn't?), but I'm still going to snort all of this up with a grain of salt. Like I said above, Johnny's relationship survived through the home-killing tornado that whirls out of St. Angie's hypnotic vagina. If Johnny and Vanessa can survive that, they can survive anything. So yeah, VaJohnny is going to last till the end of eternity. Oh wait. I think I'm getting Johnny's true loves mixed up again. What I really meant to type is that Johnny and Tim Burton's love is going to last till the end of eternity. There, that's better.