Andy Cohen

Here's full-time Housewives wrangler Andy Cohen making an "Oh shit, I sat on it too fast" face while sunning his nipples at his hotel in Miami yesterday. Let's get to it. Yes, I'd hit it, but only because he's the Rhoda to Anderson Cooper's Mary, so he's one degree away from the Silver Fox. I'm sure that during one of their slumber parties, Anderson drooled on Andy's arm while they were spooning in a sleeping bag and Andy hasn't washed that spot since. So basically, I'd just hump that spot repeatedly.

Brandi Glanville was seven layers of tanked on Watch What Happens Live last night and when she's drunk, the foolery just flows out of her mouth. Andy Cohen asked Brandi if her arch rival LeAnn Rimes read her book and she wouldn't say anything bad about the Falkor of Texas. Brandi shoved talk of LeAnn Rimes to the side and went after Chelsea Handler instead. Chelsea was on WWHL last week and during the after-show she talked shit about all of the Housewives. Brandi had a message for her Chelsea:

"Like Chelsea Handler was here. She sucked on your show. She was horrible. She wasn't funny, it was completely awkward. I saw the after-show where she was putting down the Housewives. Chelsea, suck it. We know each other... We have the same gaygent and I made out with her lesbian and her assistant and her brother, so she hates me."

Her lesbian? Does that mean Chelsea owns a lesbian? But whatever, who hasn't Brandi made out with? I'm sure 90% of the tongues in the L.A. area have had Brandi Glanville DNA on them at one point or another. Shit, 90% of everything in the L.A. area has been touched by Brandi Glanville DNA at one point or another. If light poles could talk, I'm sure one would tell me that Brandi is all tongue when she makes out. And it makes sense that Brandi hates Chelsea and vice versa. They're both proud drunks, they're both proud sluts and they're both proud wearers of thirsty weaves. They both probably think that the other one is swallowing up the entire world's supply of vodka, peen and yellow weaves.

Right after Mo'Nique tried to break Precious' spirit by nearly hitting her on top of the head with a free falling TV, Joan Cusack tried to gently break Gabourey Sidibe's Hollywood dreams by telling her the same shit Stephanie Yellowhair would tell me if I said I wanted to work the stroll: "You just don't have the looks to work, bitch." During a game of Plead the 5th on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked Gaby what celebrity she was most disappointed by after meeting them (at the 1:14 mark in the video below) and this came out of her mouth:

"It's not in a mean way because I know she meant well. I met Joan Cusack, who is my favorite, favorite, and she... I love her. It was before I became whatever and I was like at some industry party and she says, 'Are you an actress?' And I said, 'Yeah.' And she says, 'Oh honey, you should really quit the business. It's so image conscious.' I think she really, really meant it in a good way... I think she really, really did, so no shade to her, but I was like, 'Oh, but I love you, please don't tell me to quit my job.'"

Joan is right. Hollywood usually only gets hard up for beauties, but if Joan's ass is still getting work, then they must not be that image obsessed. I'm sure Joan meant in a "this business will turn you into an insecure heffa and before you know it you'll be getting daytime chin lipo and an earlobe transplant to stay in the game" kind of way. Or Joan was just being an unfiltered bitch. I hope it's the latter, because we really need more bitches at the bitch table.

Talking gay Siamese Cat Andy Cohen made an "I see what you did there" on Watch What Happens Live! last night when he handed Anderson Cooper an electric handjob trainer that most of us know as the Shake Weight. I'm sort of on a semi-mahboobatical, because my fucked-up obsession reached the top levels of insanity and I realized that he was keeping Carrot Top from making more appearances in my fap dreams. So when Andy handed him that Shake Weight, I stuffed a Valium in my peen hole to keep it from exploding off of my crotch while knocking my dormant Mah Boo obsession (mahboobsession?) back into me, but I didn't need to do that! Because Anderson's Shake Weighting skills barely registered a 0.00001 on the fap scale. Watch and be prepared to know what it feels like when your genitals frown:

We all know that Anderson can shake a weight with the best of them, because it's etched into the tiles in the bathroom at Eastern Bloc, but the ho held back. I'm surprised that green Shake Weight didn't turn blue from the sexual frustration The Silver Fox put it through. I'm sure Horny Bear would say that he's seen actual silver foxes in the forest handle a Shake Weight better than Anderson did. But you know, I put all the blame on Andy Cohen. Andy should've given Anderson a Shake Weight that was olive-colored, covered in throbbing veins and had at least two biceps on it. Give Anderson something to work with!

via Buzzfeed (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)