If you celebrate Chinese New Year, the only way to celebrate it is by posing for the paps in front of the Beverly Hills Hotel while only wearing stuffed toys of this year’s zodiac sign on your cooch and nipple knobs. The pride of China, Bai Ling, knows this, so she partook in one of the oldest Chinese New Year’s traditions by serving up almost-naked hotness on the street for the paparazzi she called.
In case you couldn’t tell by the fact that Bai Ling’s got a Lisa Frank monkey pressed against her poon, it is the Year of the Monkey. The Telegraph says this about those of you who were born in the Year of the Monkey:
People born in the Year of the Monkey are characterised as lively, quick-witted, curious, innovative and mischievous, but it is also believed to be one of the most unlucky years in the Chinese calendar.
The general image of people in this zodiac sign is of always being smart, clever and intelligent, especially in their career and wealth.
The Year of the Monkey is one of the most unlucky years?! Maybe that was true for past years, but not this year. This year is starting off right thanks to Bai Ling wearing a beautiful stuffed pink monkey bikini on the streets. I’m actually jealous of people born in the Year of the Monkey. Because I wish Bai Ling was holding my zodiac sign against her cooze for attention. Well, Bai Ling’s got a whole lot of attention whore life in her, so I’m sure she’ll wear my zodiac sign as a pussy patch eventually.
Happy Chinese New Year, everyone!
Since it’s the last Open Post of the year, we should end on a truly elegant note, so here’s Chinese swan Bai Ling delivering her final act of demureness for 2015. We can all say that we’ve had enough servings of Vitamin E (for elegance) to last us until December 31, 2016 thanks to these gorgeous portraits of the pristine human orchid holding a sparkly red ball with her suction cup pussy lips on the docks.
Bai probably wanted to shoot that red ball out of her precious oyster, but decided that us mere mortals wouldn’t be able to take it and she has to save something for next year’s ho stroll photo shoots. That sequined red ball is probably what an angel’s period clot looks like in heaven.
Before my sweet nectar’d up ass passes out after partying all night tonight (read: passes out on the couch at 9 while waiting for The Silver Fox on CNN), I’m going to say a little prayer for another year of modesty and gracefulness brought to us by Bai Ling!
Happy New Year’s Eve, whores!
We can’t really say that it’s the Christmas season until we see pictures of a delicate Poinsettia petal stroking Frosty the Snowman’s carrot nose like it’s a hard dick. This is the real meaning of Christmas.
Bai Ling was at The Grove in L.A. yesterday buying presents for orphans when the paparazzi magically appeared. Bai Ling is usually a shy butterfly who flutters away from attention, but since it is the seasons of giving, she was gracious enough to pose for the paparazzi and give the world these festive pictures of her getting down with Frosty. Since it’s the end of the year, Bai Ling is also trying to get in as many charitable donations as possible and she knows she can write this off since this is an act of charity for those of us who are needy for some elegance in our lives.
The Grove really needs to get it together, though. How can they have a giant statue of Frosty with a thick carrot dick nose and not put a step stool next to it? How are blossoms like Bai Ling supposed to suck off Frosty’s carrot nose peen or bend over it in front of it for the paps? Thankfully, Bai Ling can easily work with what she’s given. And I don’t have picture proof, but I’m 100% sure that Frosty shot out a giant icy carrot snot load from his nose after Bai Ling stroked it off a few times.
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s the visual definition of demure sophistication!
Every year, we all hear about how Heidi Klum is the Queen of Halloween and nobody does it like her and blah blah blah blah fart blah. Yeah, it probably took a million hours, a team of 12 and thousands of dollars to transform Heidi Klum into a terrifying fun hour mirror melting Amanda LePore mannequin, but she still didn’t win Halloween. The true winner of Halloween was the living fiber optic flower lamp that is Bai Ling who showed Heidi Klum that all she needs to transform into another character is $8, a couple of coupons and a pussy waxing kit.
Bai Ling really hit up the clearance costume section at Walgreens, because she transformed into several characters including SuperRose, Lady Spock and a much more elegant Leeloo from The Fifth Element. Bai Ling transformed into all of those characters while doing an almost-naked photo shoot by the train tracks in L.A. for the paparazzi. Bai Ling gave us modesty (see: the picture of her covering up her precious oyster) and art (see: the picture of her posing in front of “slut” graffiti). Bai Ling not only took the gold medal at the Slutoween Olympics, but she also set an untouchable bar for ho stroll photo shoots. Don’t be surprised tomorrow if I post pictures of Phoebe Price trying to outdo Bai Ling by posing fully naked on Skid Row.
And somebody snatch the Halloween crown off of Heidi Klum and place it where it really belongs: Bai Ling’s gorgeous goddess head.
Have you ever danced with a goddess in the graceful moonlight?
The greatest method actor of all-time (Sorry, Daniel Day-Lewis) Jared Leto got so into the mind of The Joker while shooting that small art house film Suicide Squad that he sent his Harley Quinn (aka Margot Robbie) a pet rat and he stayed in character even after the cameras turned off. I’m sure that when it’s time for Jared to try to get that Oscar for playing The Joker, we’re going to find out that he had himself committed in an insane asylum for months before shooting and after shooting, he had to get skin replacement surgery on his face since he dipped his mug in an actual vat of acid to get his look just right.
But even though Jared went through all of that for his art, I’m sure he never came close to capturing the raw spirit and essence of The Joker the same way Bai Ling has done in these pictures. And Bai Ling didn’t have to do all the shit that Jared did All she had to do was buy some 3 cent hooker clothes at Goodwill, an off-brand Joker costume (called “The Funny Maker” costume) at Rite-Aid and slap some pasties on her world-famous nipple knobs.
The serious movie actress turned Asian Phoebe Price (or is Phoebe Price the Ginger Bai Ling?) got into hooker Joker drag for a Slutoween photo shoot with the paps on Hollywood Blvd last night. Bai Ling disappeared into character so much that tourists didn’t know that a world-famous movie star was under there. If they did, they obviously would’ve mobbed her. They just saw a hooker Joker and didn’t know whether to ask her how much for a handy or plot the demise of Batman with her. It’s a damn shame that they don’t give out Oscars for ho stroll photo shoots.
It’s kind of cute, and sad at the same time, that all the famous types at the Emmys last weekend thought that they were bringing HIGH FASHION to Hollywood just because they were wearing millions of dollars worth of diamonds and designer gowns that cost three times as much as a black market kidney. If they had the creativity and sense of style of Bai Ling, they’d know that you only need three things to look like the portrait of a refined lady: $1.99 a yard lace from JoAnn Fabrics and two fake road signs from Party City. You know you’re a genuine fashion vanguard and not a wannabe when you say, “clearance section Party City and JoAnn Fabrics scrap bin,” after a reporter asks you who you’re wearing. Bai knows how to work that road sign skirt too, because with one false move, everybody would’ve gotten a peek of her 2nd Street Tunnel.
The modern-day Coco Chanel wore a homemade lace key bra (it’s the key to the
city titties!) and that Hollywood freeway sign skirt thing to the premiere of The Key at the Arclight in Hollywood last night. Bai Ling isn’t only a fashion genius, but she’s also a marketing genius too, because she was a walking elegant billboard for her own movie. Bai Ling does it all. What an inspiration.