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March 16, 2018 / Posted by:

Flos Mariae!

When Dlisted reader Josafat slipped Catholic girl group Flos Mariae into my inbox, I checked out their music and site, and after I shook off the hypnotic trance that their hauntingly luminous music and retina-burning glamour put me in, I figured they were fake and put together by comedians and performance artists. But BuzzFeed wrote about them in 2015, and claimed that everything about them is as real as their stunning singing voices.

The tales goes that in 2013, a woman from Spain named María Bellido Durán had to have surgery for a malignant tumor, and 7 of her daughters (she had 16 children total) made a promise to God that if their mother survived, they would start a girl group. Because God wants to fill this world with beauty and talent, María survived the surgery and the sisters fulfilled their promise, and thank GOD (for real) for that!

Since then, the 7 Bellido Durán sisters (Alba, Maria, Flor, Estel, Victoria, Patricia and Montserrat) have been devoting their lives to keeping their promise to God and the Virgin Mary by warbling out musical Prozac for your ears. According to Flos Mariae’s site, they don’t perform live shows and they refuse to speak to the media. Everything they need to say they say it on their YouTube channel, where they have dozens of videos of them making the angels weep with their musical talent and videos of them explaining their art.

Below is the tribe of Spanish Rebecca Blacks in masterpiece gowns from The Ugly Prom Dress Hall of Fame displaying the emotion of a half-chewed communion wafer while singing lyrics like this (which has been translated from Spanish to English, duh):

“As a slice of cheese prisoner in a sandwich/ you feel restless between the doubt and the fear/ and you scream ‘I can’t!’/ Don’t give up if you want to win/ If you do it you will fail”

If you’re a songwriter, please break your pencil and shred your notepad, because it doesn’t get any deeper than that.

In 2015, María Bellido Durán died of heart failure. Flos Mariae should’ve taken God to court for being a liar and going back on his word, but instead they vowed to continue to put every girl group in history to shame by releasing more music.

They kept on, kept on and gave us more of their “attack of the bridesmaid cult” brilliance:

Even though Flos Mariae swears on their collection of Windsor Fashion clearance gowns that they’re real, many aren’t sure. The family has launched other things (like a dating website for Catholics), so some people continue to believe they’re not being serious. But whatever the case may be, the death of their mother pushed them artistically into a more dark-sided direction. Like any serious artiste, Flos Mariae channeled their feelings into their music and delivered some goth club 90s darkness:

I don’t know whether to clutch a rosary and scream “¡Santo Dios!” while thanking God for gifting us with Flos Mariae, or clutch a rosary and scream “¡Santo Dios!” because that scary video has caused whatever is left of my soul to jump out of my body. I think I’ll do a little of both.

Pic: YouTube

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