Brad Pitt Didn’t Commit Child Abuse, So Rules DCFS

November 10, 2016 / Posted by:

TMZ reported yesterday that the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services closed their file on Brad Pitt after coming to the conclusion that whatever he did or said to 15-year-old Maddox Jolie-Pitt on that private plane wasn’t child abuse. Officials apparently busted out an “exhaustive” investigation and interviewed Brad, St. Angie Jolie, the child army and witnesses who were on that plane. They also investigated other claims that Brad has been verbally abusive to his 6 children before. They’re done with the investigation and decided that Brad is not a human version of that “Hey stupid, don’t you know how to listen?” PSA from the 1980s. Okay, but did DCFS ever find out if Brad made his children watch his Chanel commercial, because that counts as child abuse.

Angie reportedly claimed that Brad intentionally hit Maddox and she also supposedly claimed that he had a pattern of getting ragey on the kids. Social workers found no proof of that. In other words, they’re basically calling thee St. Angie Jolie a liar. In possibly related news, when those social workers got to work this morning, they found that their office had been destroyed by a lightning bolt that may or may not have come from St. Angie’s mentor GOD.

Now that Brad doesn’t have the threat of getting the words “CHILD HITTER” branded onto his forehead, he has a good chance at getting joint custody. Angie has sole physical custody for now, but she’s trying to make that permanent. TMZ’s source says that Angie isn’t letting the fact that DCFS cleared Brad stop her from telling the court that she still feels like he’s a danger to their children. She supposedly has evidence that he abused at least one of the kids, and if Brad doesn’t press the stop button on trying to get joint custody, she’ll pass off her alleged evidence to a judge. Angie’s rep didn’t mention any of that when they released this statement about DCFS closing their investigation.

“Angelina said from the beginning that she felt she had to take action for the health of the family and is relieved that after their 8-week involvement, the DCFS is now satisfied the safeguards are put in place that will allow the children to heal.”

If Angie really does have evidence that proves that Brad is a regular Mean Papi McPunchAKid, why didn’t she just hand it over to DCFS and then let out a Maleficent cackle as they dragged him away in handcuffs? (And if she really does have damaging evidence, I’m guessing it’s a clip of Brad making his poor kids watch one of his Chanel commercials. Damaging in-fucking-deed.) Angie could just be a fan of Dynasty-approved drama and really wants to stomp into a courtroom and slam down her so-called evidence as dramatic music and Brad’s eyeballs swell.

And by “safeguards,” I’m guessing that Angie’s rep is talking about Brad’s monitored visitations. Or maybe Angie taught Manny James Haven the sleeper move and he’s been instructed to pull that shit on Bad Daddy Brad if BDB even thinks about raising his voice in front of the kids. Although if Manny James Haven wants to put Brad to sleep without straining his arms, he should just show Brad a few clips from By The Sea. It worked on me.

And here’s a skinnier Brad at last night’s L.A. screening of Allied with Marion Cotillard who is working a hot combover flip ‘do.


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