For years and years, Hollywood has been not-so-gently fucking us with a chainsaw by making plan after plan to butcher 80s cult jewel Heathers. Winona Ryder talked about a Heathers sequel that was in the works. That never happened. Jenny Bicks, a writer from Sex and the City, tried to do a reboot. That didn’t happen either. And a little over two years ago, Jenny re-worked her idea as a sequel-of-sorts and sold it to Bravo. That sort-of-sequel featured a grown-up Veronica who moved back to Sherwood with her teenage daughter and had to take on the surviving Heathers and their bitchy daughters. That was also tossed in the shit can. You’d think that maybe the powers-that-be of television would take that as a hint and leave Heathers in its original and perfect state, but no, they’re not done with it just yet.
The Hollywood Reporter says that TV Land is getting into the anthology game and they’re starting with Heathers. Just like True Detective and Fargo, each season of Heathers will stick with the same theme, pretty much, but feature different characters each season. The first season goes down in present day and will sort of flip the switch on the original. The outcasts become the popular ones and wreak havoc on the school as the new girl tries to take them down. TV Land describes the three Heathers like this:
Heather Chandler (originally played by the late Kim Walker) is an overweight girl.
Heather McNamara (originally played by Lisanne Falk) is a black lesbian.
Heather Duke (originally played by the legendary Shannen Doherty) is a dude named Heath who identifies as gender-queer.
So, it’s kind of like the gender fluid baby of Glee, Pretty Little Liars and Scream Queens.
Right now, TV Land has just ordered a pilot script. They’ve also ordered a pilot for a First Wives Club TV show. Since TV Land seems to be turning some of my favorites into TV shows, I better open a savings account for future bail money. Because I’ll probably black out and go on a crime spree when TV Land announces that they’re doing a G-rated reboot of Showgirls called Showgirlz that follows a little girl named Naomi Miller who makes her family move to Pittsburgh so she can join Abby Lee Miller’s dance troupe. Naomi dabbles in Go Go Juice and she ends up getting the top spot after pushing the troupe’s star, Crystee Connors, off of the playground jungle gym during a break from rehearsals.
And I’ll totally be into TV Land’s Heathers reboot if they cast one of their past stars, Betty White, as the “Veronica.” You know, it can be a Strangers With Candy situation. Veronica is a 94-year-old woman who never got her diploma, so she goes back to high school and ends up going up against the Heathers. Make this happen, TV Land!