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March 8, 2016 / Posted by:

Naomi Smalls’ cliffhangers from last night’s season 8 premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race!

After what felt like an 84 year break (bring out the OldRoseItsBeen84Years.GIF), RuPaul’s Drag Race finally came back into my life last night and although I’ve been long waiting for some real charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent to be queefed into my eyes in a pressed powder and glitter cloud, I can’t believe that this shit still isn’t in HD for me. The picture is like a Real Housewives’ face: stretched out, pulled and a little blurry. It looks footage from a half-broken Willy Wonka factory security camera, because all of the queens look like wide Oompa Loompas. I’ve written my congressperson and begged them to get that shit in HD! I’ve offered to give my cable dude hand jobs (that’s probably why it’s still not in HD)! Still nothing. But I digress…

At this extremely early stage in the season, Kim Chi and Chi Chi Devayne are my favorites, which means they’ll probably sashay away in the next few episodes and someone like Puerto Rico’s answer to Tammie Brown, Cynthia Lee Fontaine, is going to win. For their first challenge, the queens had to try to stand out in a photo with most of the past winners. Naomi Smalls, the queen from Redlands, CA whose idol is Naomi Campbell and named herself after Biggie Smalls and the multi gold medal-winning BlackBerry tosser, stomped out and stole the damn shoot with her shrimp cocktail toes. Quentin Tarantino is about to grab the cocktail sauce and dive in.

Season 7’s winning queen Violet Chachki said that Naomi Smalls looks hot, but that her “cliffhangers” sticking out of her exquisite discount day-shift hooker whore shoes were “boner killers.” Tell that to QT’s very much alive and leaky boner. At first I thought that Naomi Smalls’ cliffhangers were part of her tribute to her idol, but after a quick Google search, I didn’t see a lot of pictures with Naomi Campbell’s toes trying to escape from her shoes. But I did see a few pictures of Naomi’s bunions-encrusted feet looking like they just got a beat down from Naomi. So I’m hoping that Naomi Smalls takes her tribute to the next level by gluing prosthetic bunions to her hooves.

I don’t know what Violet Chachki’s talking about. Naomi’s cliffhangers were the breakout star of the episode…


…and they better win fan favorite.

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