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December 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Crispy Critters!

Crispy Critters isn’t just what becomes of Paris Hilton’s crotch crabs when she lays in a tanning booth too long. Crispy Critters was a weird cereal from the olden times. I figured that Crispy Critters were born in the 1980s and died in the 1980s, because look at the mascot’s weird ass. But Wikipedia tells me that Crispy Critters cereal was created by Post in 1963.

Crispy Critters were sugary oat nuggets that came in different kind of animal shapes. Crispy Critters had its moment, but toward the late 60s, hos didn’t care about it anymore and it went away. Post brought it back in 1987 and changed the cereal’s mascot to some bear alien thing that had Fraggle Rock nutsack antennas and an engorged nutsack for a nose. I’d totally get tea-bagged by Crispy, and yeah, it’s come to that. It’s come to me saying that I’d let a fictional cereal mascot teabag my face.

Crispy’s voice was supposed to sound like the voice of Jimmy Durante. You know, he was supposed to sound like he drank whisky for breakfast, didn’t inhale oxygen unless it was infused with nicotine and regularly patted his secretaries on the ass while calling them toots. In the commercial, Crispy also traveled with an entourage of miniature oat animal friends.

Now I know why some of us children of the 80s did acid in the 90s. We were trying to reunite with fucked-up cereal mascots in our hallucinations. It’s all the cereal companies’ fault!

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