Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Paula Abdul (as played by Lisa Marie DiGiacinto) from The Unauthorized Full House Story on Lifetime!

Lifetime’s unauthorized Full House movie was on last night and on a scale from the cold dried turd that was The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell movie to the masterpiece Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? (which is still a masterpiece even though Tori Spelling’s ass was in it), it’s somewhere in the middle. Shit was pretty boring, because it’s not like John Stamos and Dave Coulier were spit roasting Doris Roberts in a dressing room while Jodie Sweetin’ snuck out of the school trailer to make meth in the bathroom (that came way later). (But Bob, Dave and Stamos did do whip-its, apparently.) The movie was mostly just Bob Saget feeling sorry for himself for having to be a sellout millionaire and the cast being jealous of the Olsens. (Side note: I never knew I had OCD until last night when I nearly had a nervous breakdown because the Full House set in Lifetime’s movie was flipped. In the real Full House, the front door of the Tanner house was on the left side and in Lifetime’s movie, it was on the right. Lifetime is trying to destroy me!)

Like all unauthorized Lifetime movies, nobody looked like the person they were playing. The bag of whole wheat Wonder Bread that has been sitting in my refrigerator for 5 weeks looks more like Dave Coulier than the dude who played Dave Coulier does. But the best casting mess was Lifetime’s answer to Paula Abdul. For a moment in the early 90s, John Stamos and Paula Abdul were the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie of their time (but way hotter, obviously). So there was a scene where John Stamos (played by Miley Cyrus’ ex-piece in a 25 cent mullet wig) goes to some event with Paula Abdul. From behind, it looked like Paula Abdul but then she turned around and hit us with a stage 10 “Harpo, who dis woman?” It’s funny that the first name of the actress playing Paula is Lisa Marie, because she looked more like Lisa Marie Presley than Paula Abdul. I missed the part in the early 90s when Lisa Marie Presley locked Paula Abdul in a closet so that she could pretend to be her and date and fuck John Stamos.

Why didn’t Lifetime just ask the real Paula Abdul to do it? She would’ve done it for free!

And well, at least Lifetime got Kimmy Gibbler right.

hsotdlifetimefullhousemovie

That’s a good thing, because if they got Kimmy Gibbler wrong, public outrage would have forced the government to shut Lifetime down and charge all of its executives with treason.

Pics: Lifetime

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