On Sunday, a possible new couple alert was born after TMZ ran into an NBA player named Matt Barnes of the Memphis Grizzlies. TMZ asked Matt to confirm a rumor that he was currently humping on Rihanna, and according to Matt Barnes, Rihanna is his “friend right now“, but added that he’s waiting to “see where it goes.” He also kept it vague by saying that their relationship just passed the crush stage.
Unfortunately, not that long after Matt confessed his love for Rihanna, someone decided to roll up on Matt Barnes, throw the vehicle into reverse, and repeatedly back over his heart. And that person was Rihanna. Once Princess Ooh Na Na (who is also rumored to be doing Lewis Hamilton) found out that Matt Barnes was telling everyone they were dating, she hopped on Instagram to set the record straight.
You know Matt Barnes didn’t even look at those hashtags. All he saw was that Rihanna posted his picture on her Instagram, and now he’s twirling around the house singing “Rihannaaaaa…I was just Instagrammed by a girl named Rihannaaaa…” like Tony from West Side Story.
But honestly, even if Rihanna was letting him rub up on her blap blap blap, Matt Barnes should have known better. There is no crush stage when courting Rihanna. The stages are as follows:
1) You approach RiRi and ask if you can buy her her favorite drink (vodka and stripper booty sweat)
2) You stand perfectly still while RiRi lights a joint by striking a match off your dick
3) You wait patiently for RiRi’s security team to motion you over and inform you that you’ve been given clearance to spend the night aboard RiRi’s intergalactic fuck ship
And if you don’t flinch during the joint lighting, then she proposes marriage. Duh, Matt, everybody knows this. Here’s more of Rihanna at dinner last night. For why she’s dressed like a no-fucks-given camp counselor, I have no idea.