Jason Bateman Is The Reason Dax Shepard And Kristen Bell Got Married

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Now you know the name of the person to which you can send that muffin basket; I’m sure you want to say a proper thank you for this gorgeous public mouth-humping moment between Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell. Frito Pendejo’s past life self Dax Shepard recently told People that if it weren’t for his friend Jason Bateman pressuring him like an old timey hillbilly with a shotgun to marry his girlfriend Kristen Bell, it might never have happened.

“Jason was first to go, ‘Stop fucking around and marry Kristen’. You immediately transitioned into ‘Get her pregnant'” Shepard continued while standing next to his friend. “I would say you were at the very forefront of cracking the whip on that. And you were dead right.”

Of course, Dax took Michael Bluth’s advice, knocked-up Kristen, got married, then knocked her up again.

Now that we know Jason Bateman has some kind of weird mind control over Dax Shepard and is able to get him to do whatever he says, if I were Kristen Bell, I would be using that to my advantage. For example, like Kristen, I too go nuts for sloths, so my first order of business would be instructing Jason Bateman to convince Dax to buy a sloth. Then another. Then an entire sloth sanctuary. From the window to the wall, sloths dripping down from the ceiling like little furry slow-moving Cirque du Soleil performers.

By the way, if Jason Bateman is taking requests, do you think it would it be too much trouble to ask him if he could convince Dax Shepard to take his shirt off more often?

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