“Fifty Shades Of Grey” Is Expected To Make $80 Million In 3 Days

February 15, 2015 / Posted by:

All together now: “MOM! This is all your fault!”

Speaking of moms, I spent the weekend at my mom’s house, so I didn’t get to see Fifty Squirts of Shit, because ew, I’m not going to see that with my mom, and if I did make her see it she could press charges against me for parent abuse. I didn’t see that mess, but pretty much everybody did. Deadline says it will make $81.67 million in three days and it’s expected to hit $90 million at the end of President’s Day weekend. Us Americans aren’t the only messes who want to be whipped in the eyes with Jamie Dornan’s stiff acting (I wish it was his stiff something else). Deadline also says that Fifty Shits will take in $158 million internationally after just 5 days. Right now, the worldwide opening weekend estimate is $239.7 million. When civilization ends, the elder aliens of other planets will tell their young that one of Earth’s final downfalls was that Fifty Shades of Grey made $239.7 million in its opening weekend.

Kingsman: The Secret Service will get second place at the domestic box office with $35.6 million. The Spongebob movie will land at third place with $30.5 million. American Sniper will also pass $300 million this weekend. I hope that means that the fake baby from American Sniper will get a bonus and can finally upgrade its ass implants.

Deadline says that Fifty Shits, which cost $40 million to make, has broken all kinds of records. It’s the biggest February opening since Passion of the Christ opened with $83.9 million in 2004. It also broke the record for the biggest Valentine’s Day and President’s Day weekend openings. It also beat Justin Bieber’s record for the most number of women its left disappointed and cold inside. No, I watched the local news on Friday night and they were interviewing people as they came out of the theater. 80% of them were middle-aged moms wearing Sofia by Sofia Vergara jeans. One of them kept going on and on about how much she loved it and she didn’t want it to end. Her crotch sounded like a mop being wrung out when she walked away and I prayed for her cats who probably didn’t hear the end of it when she got home.

So, see, that shit brought somebody happiness. And I’m sure the BDSM community will embrace it when doms realize that if they really want to test their subs’ pain threshold, they’ll make them watch Fifty Shades while wearing this:

fiftyshadestorturedevice

The safe phrase is: “Master, master, please take me to see Mortdecai instead. Anything but this!

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