Gabrielle Union Is Forgiving

August 31, 2014 / Posted by:

Listen, I’m a married dude. I understand wedding planning madness. That train stops for no one or no thing. Once that shit is planned, booked, paid, and screaming matched over, it’s ON. If I found out on my wedding day that the other Mr. Harvey had raw-dogged a baby into a bitch during some sort of last stab at heterosexuality, I would just roll my eyes and stick that ho and her kid at a table near the kitchen. And you can be assured she wouldn’t be going home with a centerpiece.

Gabrielle Union married Dwyane Wade yesterday at Miami’s Chateau Artisan, apparently having gotten over the fact that he knocked up some other chick while they were “on a break.” HAH! Look, if I didn’t fire my now-husband from his own wedding for forcing Barenaked Ladies onto our cocktail reception playlist, she can forgive her betrothed a child with someone else. Some of these vendors don’t issue refunds!

Union, 41, married the Miami Heat shooting guard, 32, “in front of an intimate crowd of family and friends,” sez People. John Legend performed at their reception. Oh, and they made all their guests wear “formal white.” Ugh, can you imagine? How are you going to get drunk and eat? And get more drunk?  Those can be messy ventures for a lot of people. Was that the point? Puritan fucks.

And all this white was sort of a laugh seeing as Union was sued in 2010 by Wade’s amazing and resourceful ex Siohvaughan Funches for allegedly having dirty times in front of their children.

The only way this mess could have been any better is if Siovaughan jumped out of the cake with Wade’s latest kid in one hand and a sonogram print-out showing she was knocked up with his next kid in the other.

Check out pics of Gabrielle and Dwyane (that spelling is worsening my hangover this morning) leaving their rehearsal dinner at Miami’s Prime 112 restaurant on Friday night below.

Pics: Splash

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