Clay Aiken Presses Pause On His Campaign After His Opponent Dies (UPDATE)

May 13, 2014 / Posted by:

That horizontal stripe v-neck sweater…. Those white patio rattan chairs from HomeGoods… That politician hair part…. That picture is to middle-aged Claymates as the men’s underwear section of the JCPenney catalog was to my 12-year-old self. The dormant clits of the Claymates awake and burst into flames every time they see that picture.

So, Clay Aiken’s dream of becoming North Carolina’s newest congressginge was one step closer to actually happening last week when he held a 369 vote lead over his opponent Keith Crisco after the Democratic primary. The winner was going to battle it out against Republican Rep Renee Ellmers in the general election. Clay Aiken hasn’t been declared the winner yet, because the race was way too close to call and officials were considering a recount or a two-man run-off. Sadly, officials weren’t ever considering a sing-off between Aiken and Crisco. But the Aiken vs. Crisco battle (“Gurrrrrl, that isn’t the first time I’ve tried overcome a Crisco situation” – Clay Aiken) took a sharp turn on Weird And Sad Way when 71-year-old Keith Crisco suddenly and unexpectedly dropped dead at his home in North Carolina yesterday. NBC News says that Keith Crisco died from injuries suffered from a fall. Clay Aiken’s people said they are suspending his campaign and he released this statement about his opponent’s death:

“I am stunned and deeply saddened by Keith Crisco’s death. He was a gentleman, a good and honorable man, and an extraordinary public servant. I was honored to know him.”

The conspiracy theories have already been smeared all over the Internet and some are pointing fingers at the gay mafia… I don’t think the gay mafia had anything to do with this. Maybe there’s nothing ESCANDALOSO about Keith Crisco’s death. But I wouldn’t be surprised if Keith Crisco’s neighbors report that before his death, a group of pear-shaped 50-something women in mom jeans, puffy paint t-shirts and beige Skechers were seen wobbling away from his house before getting into their Subarus. Fuck, the gay mafia, the Claymates are the REAL threat.

UPDATE: Clay was announced the winner of the NC Dem congressional primary. Get your umbrellas out, because the Claymates are going to squirt out a geyser of panty pudding. What goes up….

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