And no, they didn’t steal them off Madonna’s body as she was wearing it, because that would be physically impossible. You’d need a set of vise grips being pulled by a 400-horsepower Hemi engine to pry the panties off her creatine cooch. According to Page Six, a thief made off with a bag of Madonna’s bras and panties (there’s something about that word that makes me feel like Chris Hansen is ready to offer me a seat) during a photoshoot for L’Uomo Vogue last month. And this wasn’t a bag full of crusty gonch, either; the bag contained 12 bras worth $2,545, five thongs worth $345, and four briefs worth $515 (yeah, me and my $5 Hanes will weep for Madonna’s tragic loss in a moment).
The bag was stashed under a chair and it wasn’t until the shoot ended before anyone noticed that some sticky-fingered sicko stole the bag of underwear, so they called the police to report the theft. Sorry, person who’s home is being invaded by a bunch of scary dudes in ski masks; you’ll have to wait just a second while we conduct a manhunt for Madonna’s fugitive chonies.
It doesn’t take a Detective La Toya or Special Agent Courtney Love to see that those underwear weren’t stolen; they ran away! Faced with the realization that they’d surely be shredded to death by Madonna’s rock-hard nipples, the bras began planning their escape. The thongs joined them, fearful that if they stuck around, they’d be crushed by Madonna’s Iron Man ass cheeks. So together with the briefs, they made a break for it. Now they’re wandering the streets, searching for a warm ass or a soft pair of chichis to rest their weary heads. Case closed.