In Honor Of Plushy’s Retirement Announcement…..

An entire nation is crying, “NYEEEEEEEEEEeeeeEEEEEEeeeEEEEEt,” today after the blond-tipped Russian Adrien Brody announced that he is pulling himself out of the men’s figuring skating competition at the Sochi Olympics and retiring from competing. 31-year-old Evgeni Plushenko won’t hang another Olympic medal next to his 2 golds, 1 silver and 1 platinum. USA Today says that Plushy was one of the favorites going in, but he busted his already busted back during practice yesterday and decided now is a good time take his final bow on the Olympic ice. During today’s men’s competition, Plushy skated out when it was his turn and waved goodbye at everyone. The Sex Bomb has officially detonated. He later said this:

“Today in the morning, I can’t jump … but I said to myself, ‘Evgeni, you must skate. You must. You need two more days, the short and the long program.’ And I came on the warm-up and … I felt it, like knife in the back.

I think it’s God saying, ‘Evgeni, enough. Enough to skate. You did a lot of figure skating,'”

Well, that little tickle I get in my nipple plate area from watching Plushy skate around in a modern day Madge suit is God saying, “Ugh, you’re such an easy slut,” and it’s also God saying that Plushy should never stop skating around in muscle suit. So I hope Plushy hasn’t retired from pulling his modest Russian rose of a wife around the ice on a banquet hall chair while wearing a suit molded out of Chyna’s torso. I also hope this doesn’t drop his wife’s status from “top three in Russian woman” to “top four in Russian woman,” because I will never forgive him if that happened.