“Can you believe that I have to suck that to pay the lease on my BMW?” is what Shannon Elizabeth said before her laughs turned into desperate tears and she ran off to the nearest pay phone to call her parents in Waco, Texas to beg them to let her come back home.
Earlier this month, the definition of random decided to show itself in the form of 56-year-old Russell Simmons and 40-year-old Shannon Elizabeth showing up to a Golden Globes party together. It was like two coagulated cum blasts from the past. I guess Shannon is still fucking that
chicken turtle, because here they are leaving 1Oak in West Hollywood last night. I thought the cookie spread and spelt bread (it’s all I had, don’t ask) sandwich I ate for dinner last night was random, but this tops that shit. Russell has gone from Kimora to Sophie Monk to self-proclaimed not-gold-digger Julie Henderson to Lauren from Alias to Shannon Elizabeth. I feel like I need to bust out PowerPoint to properly show all the upgrades and downgrades of Russell’s “dating” history. And Shannon went from the love child of Kevin Smith and Howard Stern to Mark Philippoussis to Derek Hough to the yoga turtle. I’m also going to need PowerPoint to properly show all the upgrades and downgrades of Shannon’s dating history.
But whatever, they’re together now, because Shannon’s AMEX bill isn’t going to pay itself and Russell believes her when she says that she was a 90s baby.