Here’s Jennifer Aniston at the premiere of another one of her movies that I’ll probably watch in a few years on basic cable when it’s late at night, I’m vulnerable and need something to do while inhaling two bags of Milanos. So whenever Jennifer Aniston’s got a premiere, she puts on some tight satin dress and makes sure her next cover of UsWeekly is bumping all the way out. I see you, Aniston, and I see your first trimester Beyonce™ brand pillow baby. Or maybe that’s a bag of gin and it’s attached to a straw that sticks out of the top of her dress so she can suck on it and get shit-faced while watching her mess of a movie. That’s totally it.
Even though that dress is a STUNT QUEEN prop and she’s only wearing it because she wants everyone to think she’s knocked up with an entire child army that will take down St. Angie’s child army, I sort of like that dress. That line across her chest makes it look like her tits are squinting. No, I’m not stoned. I think.