Paula Deen Is Begging For Your Forgiveness, Y’all

The Baroness of Butter Paula Deen was supposed to go on Today this morning to tell her side of the N-word scandal, but she backed out at the last minute, because Al Roker refused to wear a white suit and tap dance while serving her sweet tea as Matt Lauer asked her questions. So instead, Paula shot a totally edited “AH’M SO SOWWY” video where she begged everyone to forgive her and to keep throwing money at if her, because if they don’t her beautiful butter empire will melt and she’ll have to slither back into the sea to fight King Triton for the throne AGAIN.

Paula did achieve something in her apology video: she managed to get a minimum of 550 cuts into a video that’s not even a minute long. So congratulations for that, Paula! Paula’s PR whores really shouldn’t have written her statement on cue cards made of butter because she can hardly concentrate. Speaking of concentrate, it’s hard for me to focus on Paula’s pre-written apology when a bright white light is flashing in my eyes every 2 seconds. Oh shit, I bet this video has a subliminal white power message in it.

And now that Paula’s apologized, can we please all move on from this and go back to paying attention to The Food Network’s true star Sandra Lee?! Drunk ass Sandra Lee would never offend anybody. (“But what about that Kwanzaa cake, Michael?” – you “Point taken up the butt.” – me)