Morrissey Is Probably Going To Retire Soon

Prince William and Duchess Kate’s #1 fan Morrissey is down and out in Mexico after he was rushed to the hospital with internal bleeding and stayed there for five weeks. Morrissey has been struck down with the sicks for a while now and he says he was recently hospitalized for five weeks because of a bleeding ulcer, pneumonia and a throat condition called Barrett’s esophagus. Morrissey plans to rest in Mexico and he’s considering retiring so he can focus on his true passion: being the head boss of a gum-selling ring in Tijuana. Morrissey was kind of born to yell at kids to sell more chicles on the streets of Mexico.

Because Morrissey isn’t doing so well right now, he’s canceled his entire North American tour and is thinking about ending his singing career. During an interview with Mexican radio station Reactor 105.7 (via HuffPo), they asked Morrissey if all these health problems are making him consider retirement and he said, “I have been cautioned to, but it’s difficult for me because it’s very ingrained in me. It almost became absurd the number of things that happened to me, but everything just attacked me at once. The double pneumonia — everything was really a result of the fact I had lost so much blood, so the immune defenses were very, very low and couldn’t cope with anything, so therefore the slightest gust of wind and I would have a terrible cold.”

Somewhere in Buckingham Palace, THE QUEEN is softly caressing her corgis while a smug smile of victory appears on her face, because after weeks upon weeks of making one of her slaves (aka Fergie) sneak into Morrissey’s kitchen to sprinkle arsenic powder on his uncooked quinoa and kale chips, her mission has finally been accomplished. Morrissey’s cunt genes will really explode when he finds out that THE QUEEN bought that arsenic powder with her dole money. Bleehehehehehehhehe!