Playgrounds, Chuck E. Cheeses and the ball pit at McDonald’s are all empty today, because a million Beliebers were hospitalized for dehydration after they drooled out all of the water in their system from looking at The Lesbeaver’s 18-year-old ass crack. UsWeekly says that Justin Bieber “accidentally” (read: bitch meant to do it) posted Usher’s new iPhone wallpaper on Instagram yesterday. It didn’t take long before everyone realized that it wasn’t a picture straight from the IHOP menu. It was a picture of the Biebs’ Canadian pancake ass. The Biebs deleted it a few minutes after he posted it, but no thanks to the “right click save” function, it now lives on the internet forever.
If you really need to see the uncensored version, then give me a few minutes to call the emergency room to let them know to have a squirt bottle of retina Clorox, a Braille trainer and an Exorcist on standby, because you might need them all. Brace yourself and CLICK!
In other Bieb news, his mom Pattie Mallette is executive producing a pro-life short film starring the Doritos Lady. Patti said in a statement that she hopes her anti-abortion movie will “encourage young women all over the world, just like me, to let them know that there is a place to go, people who will take care of you and a safe home to live in if you are pregnant and think you have nowhere else to turn.“
You know, I don’t think Pattie needs to release her anti-abortion movie now that Justin Bieber has Instagrammed his ass. Just one look at that picture and your baby-making parts will shrivel up and retire forever.