Thursday, November 15th 2012

When A Doberman's "Gurl, Please" Eyes Say It All

If it wasn't for that People logo sitting in the corner, you'd probably think this picture was from a Playgirl magazine spread circa 1989 or a picture of Mr. July in Bel Ami's "Porn Bottoms of the Past" calendar. But no, this is one of People's Sexiest Men Alive, Ryan Lochte, just doing a little posing before taking his Doberman out for a sexy boat ride. The Photoshop in this one is ALIVE. I don't know if I should blame Ryan or Photoshop for that uneven self-tanner situation, those toddler bangs and the severe lack of bulge. Couldn't they use the Jon Hamm tool on Ryan's crotch area? It's not right that his Olympic ring tattoo has three dicks, but he looks like he has not a one.

But who needs a bulge when you've got a dog as a wingman? Ryan told People that his Olympic gold medals don't lure the ladies in, his dog does:

"He is a good wingman because he's a beautiful dog. Girls come up to me and go, 'Oh my god, where's Carter? He's so good looking!' He's my best friend and I love him. I just need to take him wherever I go and I'll be set."

I was going to say that it must be really weird for Carter watching Ryan strike an awkward pose like this, but that dog is probably used to it. Ryan sleeps like this and lies on the couch like this. You never know when a Playgirl photographer is going to bust through the door, so you should always be pose-ready.

If I could read dog minds through a still picture, I'd probably hear Carter say, "No, bitch, I'm not going to paint you like one of my French girls. Stop asking and stop doing that."

Posted by: Michael K


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harperharper's picture

"Use the John Hamm tool"

Brilliant!!!

agirl's picture

Yes, he's a douche and way too young and dumber than a houseplant but that is a fantastic body so as a stone-cold sah-LUT I have to say YASSSS!

P.S. the doggie can watch

Um LMAO

Tigerlilly's picture

Douchetastic! He seems the type who's pervy enough to try to include that dog in sexy times but quite literally retarded enough not to know better.

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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...

REDMOND's picture

Fucking retarded! Jeah!

Green Tea Latte's picture

Would hit and ride till it breaks...no shame when it comes to tall dumb yet harmless jocks...

He shows bulge action when he wears white: http://fountainofrandomness.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/ryan-lochte-and-... http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8ah3vRFyH1r5q9hlo1_500.jpg

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Someone by the bar keeps looking at us dancing. I see him starring at me, I see what he wants be
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>:- (
Mr. Mercury

WithinReason...'s picture

"Olympic ring tattoo has three dicks" -- It does! It does! hahahahaha

Severe lack of bulge, not interested. Next. ;p

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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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Foxxy Brown's picture

Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 11/15/2012 - 3:11pm.

It looks like he's trying to keep out the voices, but he's too dumb to remember where his ears are.

and ownership of the internet for today is awarded to... Hekki!!!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Yaasssssssss!!!

"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12

FreakGeek's picture

Ugh, I just ate lunch & this pic made me throw up in my mouth a little. He's got Bieber syndrome...tiny dick, stupid haircut, & the vacant eyed look only the truly stupid can master.

Hekki's picture

It looks like he's trying to keep out the voices, but he's too dumb to remember where his ears are.

babybunny's picture

that Dog deserves the sexy title...Ryan seems so douchey....why doesn't People do a Sexiest Puppeh issue, I would much rather watch that since I think all people suck anyhow.

JudyT's picture

He's obviously been swimming in the "dumb as hell" gene pool for too long.

strawberry_feather's picture

http://cdn.hahajk.com/uploads/2012/07/ryan-lochte.jpg
Wow look at this picture of Ryan Lochte! Hahahahahahaha

PrettyHateMachine's picture

Not that I am a fan of this giant douche bag, but you gotta love a guy who loves his dog.

RichBitch's picture

Sexy and stupid, just the way I like 'em! I would wear him out!

Bossy's picture

You know, I was really feeling Lochte pre/during the Olympics. He seemed relaxed, fun, easy on the eyes. Then I heard him speak for more than a sound bite and it was over.

Bigbendy's picture

Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 11/15/2012 - 1:30pm.
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Whambang, I think his fifteen minutes are just about expired. Who would ever think that Phelps would be considered articulate?

que cochina's picture

His brain-trust equal (the sister) must be his PR manager. Who else would think this photo shoot was a good idea? Pobrecito Carter is thinking "FML."

livetotell375's picture

tolerancecompassionlove I don't know if it was the photographer or Lochte who came up with that pose....he looks silly. I don't think he'd be good in bed.

MargeAggedon's picture

The people at People need their eyes checked. This is what passes for 'hot' these days? PUHlease.
And nice pose btw. Not awkward at all.

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Surfing the apocalypse.

Hekki's picture

Submitted by Green Is Good: "Put your goddamn clothes on, jackass. My lady-boner died screaming."

HAHAHAHHA. Mine, too. (Not that I had one at the moment, but if I HAD, it would have died screaming).

And he looks like a little boy in those speedos. Ick.

JTROS's picture

:(

Khloe Kuntrashian has a bigger package than this d-bag.

I actually thought he was hot (but very, very dumb) for a quick second during the Olympics. Now, my lady bits are most decidedly NOT tingling.

tonicbitch's picture

I see guys like this all the time. The dogs get all the action while most of the time the guys get ignored, since we're too busy fondling their pups. Team Cute Doggehs!

SANS FARDS's picture

I do believe that might just be the most intelligent thing he's ever said. Dogs are total chick magnets. And I say this as a chick ;)

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Submitted by P.T.Bull on Tue, 09/25/2012 - 10:33pm.

"This bitch is crazier than a pillowcase full of clear-level scientologist possums."

chaka1's picture

I could NEVER get tired of looking at that. He seems so accessible too.

Joeb's picture

Those Lochtes must have been in the deep end when brains were being passed out. Nobody asking to see his Carter is talking about any dog.

Whamo's picture

Is this guy getting any endorsements at all from the Olympics? In Canada we get all your Celebs as well and I've never seen him plugging anything (insert joke here)

I would have to think he's such a fucking toolbag they can't get him to endorse anything but munchies for a bunch of stoners.

He always sounds like he smoked a joint and then got kicked in the head by a donkey

Edit...or should I say he sounds like he smoked a donkey and then got kicked in the head by a joint.

Green Is Good's picture

Put your goddamn clothes on, jackass. My lady-boner died screaming.

kortni_thegreat's picture

"Human decency is not derived from religion. It precedes it." Christopher Hitchens
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Ugh. Ryan Lochte is soo July/August 2012.

maadbeacon's picture

Just when I got all images of this douche out of my head....

KobeLover's picture

Has anybody seen the entire list? Was Michael Phelps on it? If not, something is seriously wrong. That is not a sexy look at all, & the guy can't interview for anything.

rukiddingme's picture

I will give him credit for not cropping his Doberman's ears.

What's more sad than the fact that 10,000 animals got euthanized today? The fact that because of the ignorance of humans, it will happen again tomorrow. End the cycle. Spay and neuter your pets & please adopt your next pet from a shelter.

suckandfuck's picture

He's about as sexy as a wet cat in an unplugged crock pot!

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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.

salacious's picture

Yes, well we know that Carter is the smart one of the duo and makes all the decisions for him. He's the Brian Griffin to his Peter.

So why is he still around? He's the equivalent of one of the Jersey Shore douches, if one of them had ever won a gold medal.

Bigbendy's picture

I can't help myself. I have a weakness for a swimmers body...........broad shoulders and strong, thick thighs. The fact that they have endurance doesn't hurt either.

RandéSleepover's picture

The dog is the better conversationalist, too.

Uncle Brain-fart's picture

This picture is so boring, you kinda WANT that dog to attack.

Gobbler's picture

I srsly thought that was a Teletubbies tattoo.

FreakyBeBeautiful's picture

Where's his junk :( Is he like a Ken doll?

Lucifer_Sam's picture

Submitted by suckandfuck on Thu, 11/15/2012 - 12:38pm.
He's about as sexy as sleeping next to a fried egg.

You're just not adventurous enough!

louise_brooks's picture

In this picture, he looks like the blonde guy in Backstreet Boys who isn't Nick Carter.

suckandfuck's picture

He's about as sexy as sleeping next to a fried egg.

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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.

daisy100's picture

Snowy is well and she has a new addition to her family, a puppeh!!! Her commute to work is still messed up, 5 hours a day!!

jack-n-the-hat's picture

This episode of awkward is brought to you by - Speedos - A proud sponsor of douchebags everywhere.

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"Shitty relationships mystify me." ~ mike 09/22/2012

"I'm back. You're Welcome." ~ Kenny Powers

louise_brooks's picture

GG- I'm glad it's not just me. LOL

Gardening Girl's picture

Louise...ewwwww

"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012