Us Americans should really be thankful to live in a country where a mentally insane motherfucker can go to any court and file the crazed ramblings they wrote on the stained bed sheets in their room at the mental hospital. USA! TMZ says that a man from Michigan, who says he’s Selena Gomez’s biological father, is suing Justin Bieber for all kind so fuckery including boning a baby into “his daughter” on his Canadian bear rug and stealing his AMEX to buy a bigger dick. It gets better. TMZ read the entire masterpiece of a lawsuit and pulled out these shards of glitter from it:
-“Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my canadian bear rug.”
– “Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums.”
– “[Bieber] gave selena a std and Bieber stole my credit card to buy him and sean p-ditty [sic] combs cocaine to use in drug free school zones.”
– “Bieber also got a penis enlargement with my stolen american express card. “
Yes, it’s impossible for Bieber to get a penis enlargement since he has a crotch like a Cabbage Patch Doll, but I’m still going to choose to believe all of this, because it’s the only way. And I’m also going to file my own lawsuit against Usher for copyright infringement, because that’s how I celebrate Fourth of July every year.