Non-Shocking Headline Of The Day: Lindsay Lohan Lied To The Cops

June 11, 2012 / Posted by:

Lies flow out of Lindsay Lohan’s mouth as often as entire bottles of bottom shelf whiskey flows into White Oprah’s mouth, so this latest development in the slow motion car crash that is her entire life is about as surprising as the news that I once again almost peed in the bathroom sink this morning, because I was too lazy to lift up the toilet lid. As for why that toilet lid was down to begin with… A lazy-hating ghost is fucking with me, obviously.

TMZ, who I’m beginning to think has a secret wire stashed in Blohan’s top lip, is hearing that when the cops came to the hospital to interview her about crashing her Porsche into that semi-truck, she told them the opposite of the truth. Bitch said that she was a passenger in the car and it was her assistant who was driving. You might be thinking to yourself, “But why would this dumb, stupid, moronic, self-entitled skid mark of mess lie to the cops about that?” Because if you put on a Hazmat-approved mask and pulled her chonies down, you’d find a gold seal on her ass with the words “CERTIFIED PATHOLOGICAL MESS” on it. But if you’re going to be a pathological liar, you need to be smart about it, which this ho isn’t. LiLo probably figured her assistant would stick with her story, but he didn’t. LiLo’s assistant ratted her out and told the cops she was the one driving. Well, not only is that dude probably out of a job, but you know LiLo is going to get every drug dealer in L.A. to blacklist him. Dude will never be able to buy a dime bag in that town again! That hurts.

Witnesses at the scene of the crash tell TMZ that they watched both LiLo and her assistant crawl out of the passenger side of the car after the accident. That means she climbed out of the drivers seat and into the passenger seat. That’s the part I don’t understand. Why didn’t they switch seats if she wanted to make it look like he was the one driving? If LiLo’s assistant refused to be an accessory to illegal fuckery, why didn’t she just wrap her strong arm lips around his neck and pull him into the drivers seat? I swear, this ho needs to be better at scamming.

The cops apparently wrote LiLo’s lie in their report and that could get her probation yanked away. Giving fraudulent information to a cop is a crime and she could go to jail for doing it.

If this is true (you know it is) and if LiLo gets into trouble for lying (you know she won’t), she’ll spend a total of zero seconds in a cell. LiLo will sashay into Lynwood, blow air kisses at her old friends at the VIP check-in counter and take a glamour shot for their celebrity wall of beauty before sashaying back out. The California Justice system is her whore and I’m sure the Lady Justice statue has “Lindsay’s Bitch” tattooed on its taint. I think I saw it during a school field trip.

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