Guess You Didn't Get That $500,000.....
Because everybody but Papa Joe knows that a Jessica Simpson pregnancy announcement is worth about as much as a left-handed handjob from Captain Hook, not one tabloid magazine farted up the $500,000 he wanted for an exclusive so bitch had to give that shit away for free. In news that's about as surprising as Kim Kardashian's staged marriage falling into a trapdoor opened by Pimp Mama Kris, Jessica posted the above picture on her website and then announced the news everybody has known for weeks.
"It's True! I am going to be a mummy!"
Jessica's poor child isn't even out of the womb yet and she's already embarrassing it. First, bitch tries to sell the news that it's moved into her uterus and comes up with nothing. Then she delivers the BIG DUH for free on the same day Kim Kardashian's divorce shit is being spread all over the media. And finally, she announces it while looking like a flock of birds made several nests in her weave after she got tangled up in my old nursery curtains.
That fetus is holding its face in shame and won't let go until it turns 18. How is Papa Joe going to sell the baby pictures if Jessica's baby refuses to remove its hand from its face? Papa Joe's plans foiled again. I think I love Jessica's baby already.
• 
500 grand for a celebrity pregnancy announcement? I gotta pull a Kim Kardashian and knock up a celebrity for some scratch.
amazing how STILL no one gives a damn
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http://tinyurl.com/69rcrqy
Nah, I just think a few "posters" might be working for her publicist.
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"I bet Michael Lohan's sperm comes out of his peen yelling screaming and pissed off at the world, all the sperms are getting into fights with each other about who gets to swim where and shit." -- Whamo
everyone here is drinking the papa joe kool aid. i'm getting out now while i still can.
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A baby's first words should not be: "DEATH DON'T TAKE ME NOW!!!" - MK
Most celebrities now days are arrogant, obnoxious, and shallow. I don't get that vibe from Jessica. She seems down to earth and probably fun to hang out with. I mean, she didn't even seem to mind putting on a little extra weight, which is a bit refreshing in these times of drug induced anorexia that all these other celebrities insist on making us look at! I would rather look at Jessica's big old booty any day than a picture of Demi Moore and the rest of that gang! I do think she can do better than that unemployed no name fiancé she has now. But poor Jessica has been so unlucky in love with famous men... maybe she really is smarter than most by picking this underachiever. And the "mummy" announcement was very clever indeed! Perfect for holloween. I like this girl! Not the rest of her family though.
" Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer"..William S. Burroughs
cant hate on ol jess too much. shes from texas which is a plus in my book. love the texans i have met and spent a few months in texas. also, i love her sunglasses and own several pair..... hangs head in shame and slinks off.....also considered buying some of her shoes, i like the design of her shoes and boots. they are somewhat cheaply made, though.
I think Jessica actually looks really pretty here. I'm happy for her. As for the whole "hypocrisy" thing re" her virginity/christianity. News flash, people change. When I was a teen, I thought I'd be a virgin until I got married. I made my boyfriend wait for months and never gave him any chocha. Then I went on a study abroad to Spain and fell completely in love with someone and gave it up in 2 months. I trusted my instincts and did what was right for me. I think that's what Jessica is doing now...
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I like living this way. I like loving this way.
Submitted by TelevisedRevolution on Mon, 10/31/2011 - 9:55pm.
And La Chaylo, your avie is fabulous. I can't stop watching her head drop back into the druggie nods, poor girl.
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Oh great. Angela's back again...
Submitted by snowpiece on Wed, 07/08/2009 - 5:00pm.
Karen Flatts is always a cunt
I cannot wait to hear the name this one comes up with. And yes, thank you tabloids for not paying some dingbat $500,000 tell us they had a successful bodily function.
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Visit Anthony Higgins Performances on Facebook.
Submitted by Stoney on Mon, 10/31/2011 - 10:32pm.
Seriously, Take My Breath AND MY LIFE Away if I ever have to hear that "song" again as long as I can still hear. Horrendous.
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Slightly offtopic, maybe, but I have long thought that the entire Top Gun soundtrack, in all its forms, needs to be destroyed once and for all. Seriously. I hate every fucking song on that soundtrack, especially the one where Maria McKee spends like 20 minutes squealing, sobbing and practically barfing up a hairball. It's one of the worst movie soundtracvks ever, but for some reason people won't let it just DIE quietly.
Maybe I need to hire a couple hobbits to smuggle it to the land of Mordor and throw it into a big fucking volcano.
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"I bet Michael Lohan's sperm comes out of his peen yelling screaming and pissed off at the world, all the sperms are getting into fights with each other about who gets to swim where and shit." -- Whamo
Most celebrities now days are arrogant, obnoxious, and shallow. I don't get that vibe from Jessica. She seems down to earth and probably fun to hang out with. I mean, she didn't even seem to mind putting on a little extra weight, which is a bit refreshing in these times of drug induced anorexia that all these other celebrities insist on making us look at! I would rather look at Jessica's big old booty any day than a picture of Demi Moore and the rest of that gang! I do think she can do better than that unemployed no name fiancé she has now. But poor Jessica has been so unlucky in love with famous men... maybe she really is smarter than most by picking this underachiever. And the "mummy" announcement was very clever indeed! Perfect for holloween. I like this girl! Not the rest of her family though.
I hope her douche's pussiness genes overpower this idiot's dude ones or this kid, if its even real, is gonna be one massive ball of testosterone. And really, people fall for her fake nicey act? Isn't there enough proof in all her awful tv shows that she's an horrible, money obsessed bitch?
No shit bitch
Pastor father and got married as a "virgin", complains about husbands "small penis" gets divorced and this is how she ends up? never fails. gotta love the hypocrites. I have no problems getting pregnant out of wedlock but these Christians who ram their religion down our throats are the worst!
Anything to stay relevant, huh?
This photo looks like some shit Tyra would come up with for ANTM....she needs a tree branch or bird in her hair.
maybe jessica can recoup some of the $500000 by joining forces with bristol palin on some kind of hypocritical christian motivational speaking tour.
ESE, hopefully CTH still has room to hide both of us, 'cause I think Jessica's pretty, too. I really can't hate on *her*. I hate the exaggerated 'dumb' schtick she did on her show with Lachey, but OTOH it wasn't mean-spirited or hurtful to anyone, and apparently the checks always cleared. She came across as kindhearted in spite of being a bit ditzy (if that's a crime, our population is going to plummet) on that travel-the-world show she did with her hairdresser and her best friend...I think she's probably one of the more genuinely nice people in the entertainment business, actually.
I DO hate this Tai-Chi 'cradle the earth' pose that seems to be de rigeur for pregnant women, though. Bitch, we know where babies are kept when they're still baking...you don't need to frame your oven with your hands to show us! Just stop it!
But she IS pretty. [darts out of thread]
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"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."
--"The Little Prince", Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Submitted by EveryStrangersEyes on Mon, 10/31/2011 - 10:34pm.
*blushes*... i still think that she's pretty.
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Awww. That's pretty sweet ;)
I'd switch my old ass for hers any day.
.
.
*blushes*... i still think that she's pretty.
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"I could listen to a babbling brook,
and hear a song that I could understand.
I keep wishing it could be that way.
Because my world would be a Wonderland."
Personally, I don't think she is a good singer. The Take My Breath Away cover was the worst vocal abomination in the history of music. How it made it from the recording studio to sale shelves is an absolute travesty. At least Asslee's "music" is so overproduced you can't hear how off key she is. Seriously, Take My Breath AND MY LIFE Away if I ever have to hear that "song" again as long as I can still hear. Horrendous.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
Agonizing.
Wow. This is really not interesting.
I got excited for a quick second when I thought it was Daryl Hannah.
.
.
I met Jessica when she was promoting her first single (I wanna love you forever) and she was a sweet,pretty girl. I actually also thought her dad was handsome (hangs head in shame...zero idea how creepy he is at the time)
I wish her the best. No animosity from over here.
With that fashion line she has, this child will in no way be wanting financially.
I do wish she would get back into the studio and sing, she has an amazing voice.
And La Chaylo, your avie is fabulous. I can't stop watching her head drop back into the druggie nods, poor girl.
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The Americas - Occupied since 1492.
Oh, she's a Mummy now!!! I get it!!
Of all the delusional blondes featured regularly on Dlisted, Jessica seems the least delusional, the least obnoxious, the one I'd most likely be sitting in a retro 80's lounge having a beer with. After the baby is born, of course.
She just doesn't come across as an unsufferable botch.
Mazeltov, Jessica.
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The Americas - Occupied since 1492.
What way is that, exactly? She will love her baby. He/She will definitely be taken care of finacially.
Other than the baby daddy being a douche, I don't see what the problem is.
Unless you are referring to them not yet being married. Which, honestly, I don't think is a huge deal.
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Time cast a spell on you but
You won't forget me
I know I could have loved you but
You would not let me
-Fleetwood Mac
for some reason, this picture upsets me. i work with children and i just don't feel like this is any way to bring a child into this world. sick of celeb bullshit.
www.hangryhippo.com: Where hunger, anger, media consumption, and satire meet for a snack
Hi, Sweetas! I think the whole waiting until marriage thing can be a bit of a crapshoot. It may work out fine, but what if it doesn't?
Team testdrive!
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Time cast a spell on you but
You won't forget me
I know I could have loved you but
You would not let me
-Fleetwood Mac
little_rascal:
Why don't we just hook up? xD
Honestly? I wish her well. Compared to the Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Snooki and countless others, she seems harmless enough.
This poor girl.I don't know, I'll always have a soft spot for Jessica Simpson. The girl can actually sing and actually seemed like a decent (albeit slighly off) human being with a bubbly personality,who seemed to let her dad get too involved with her life and career. I mean, how do you go from being a virgin before marriage (supposedly...yea, cause that always works),having a good looking decent husband and a promising career to being knocked up out of wedlock by some out of work loser and your last claim to fame being those hideous mom jeans at a chili cook-off in Florida that you were performing at?
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"I was half a virgin when I met him!"
-Mean Girl,Regina George
I vaguely remember Ashlee also wanting a crap load of money for her baby pictures but no one would give it to her so she had to post it on her website (or Pete's) for free. Or am I making that up?
She looks really bad but I agree with everyone else, she isn't as bad as the Kartrashians.
I actually feel sorry for her. She apparently doesn't realize that she can do much better than that good digger unemployed nothing she's with. I read that she had to buy her own engagement ring because he couldn't afford one. Sheesh, being alone would be a step up from that.
Submitted by Andrei on Mon, 10/31/2011 - 7:32pm.
I want sex!
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Don't we all?
*dusts vibrator*
I think she looks cute...
*hides*
CTH, omg you are my dream woman!! *elbows kids off the chocolate chip pretzel cookies*
Mani, ita. She looks adorable, esp with that little belly. *makes room in the fallout shelter for you*
Hey hotmami! :D
I think she looks cute. I'm glad she didn't sell the announcement. Even if it wasn't by choice.
She looks really bad whenever she wears a ton of eye make-up. It's like her jaw, lips and eyebrows are just too manly to pull it off. It looks really harsh and ugly on her. She is so much prettier with softer or no make-up.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
I like this...there I said it.
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If they can put F-list reality TV stars on the covers of mags when THEY are pregnant, there's no reason why JS can't get one. I think she just didn't want to do it that way.
Anyway, I have a soft spot for her, and I'm happy for her.
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Time cast a spell on you but
You won't forget me
I know I could have loved you but
You would not let me
-Fleetwood Mac
A left-handed hand job from Captain Hook.. ROOFL.
Her eye-color is really pretty. There. My nice thing for the day.
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Well, aren't you just the cosmopolitan Queen Bee of Cuntsville? No, I'm sorry, of "Cuntropolis". Please excuse us in all of our inbred grandpa fucking glory. Karen Flatts, 09/21/11
She should have dressed up as Moby Dick. Girl is going to be a whale by the time the baby's about to come.
Submitted by Sweetas on Mon, 10/31/2011 - 7:49pm.
You sure picked the right time. Come on in, my son treat or tricked and he had his school party, and I made chocolate chip/pretzel cookies.
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But this IS my alt!
kinda corny but cute. I'm with team eh-I'm indifferent to jessica. yeah, her daddy is a creepy hypocrite and she plays the dumb blonde card too well, but at least she has talent. not a fan or anything, but I'll take her over the kuntassian klan any day.
*snuggles with CTH and gives her chocolate kisses* Will you be my sugar mama? No, like really sugar, not money. I ain't no fool, shiii.
" lets Sweetas in and hands her some candy"
I agree, she is not even in the cuntashian's league as far as being fucking annyoing and least seems almost sometimes normal, compared to some head shaving, umbrella throwing peeps I could name.
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But this IS my alt!
Of all the formerly "hot" celeb chicks who have let themselves go, I still think Jessica is facially pretty.
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Douchechill!
And I'm sure that even in this pic she's sucking in her stomach.