Two Words: STUNT QUEENS

That little wink isn’t from Simon Cowell fucking the feeling out of his nerves with a Botox needle again. It also isn’t from Simon’s eye closing shop because it can’t deal with Paula Abdul’s extra thick Vicodin breath eating away at its retina. That little wink is Simon patting himself on the taint, because he’s about to pull a major stunt queen move that will have hos talking about his show months before that shit even airs.

A little over a week ago, Cheryl Cole was dropped as a judge from the US version of X-Factor and replaced by that Nicole Scherzinger ho from the Pussycat Dolls. Well, a few scandalous headlines later and it looks like Cheryl Cole is back! It’s a miracle! It’s like the second coming of WHO GIVES A FUCK.

The News of the World was the first to break this shit, but TMZ has more details. They say that Cheryl’s return is all about money. The producers wanted to put Cheryl back on the X-Factor in the UK, but the deal didn’t happen because she asked for £2.5 million. Cheryl’s contract with the US X-Factor states that she gets her $1.5 million fee whether or not she’s on the show. So the producers figured that it is cheaper to keep Cheryl than fire her ass. Cheryl hasn’t decided if she’s going to come back (she will). If she does, Nicole goes back to being a host.

Oh, the ideas that burp out of Simon’s brain when Ryan Seacrest is giving his nipples a finger massage during their weekly bromance sauna session. If Simon makes us think that Cheryl was fired over her accent and then brought back only because of money, we’ll all feel sorry for her and fall in love with her like she’s a mumbling puppy dog with a bark nobody understands.

First Blake Lively lies to us and now Simon Cowell is manipulating us?! What to believe anymore?! I’m sure you’d shed a tear over this betrayal if your Give A Shit Meter wasn’t stuck on zero.