Who The Hell Wasn’t At Oprah’s Farewell Spectacular Last Night?

Jesus’ second début party was supposed to go down last night, but he rescheduled for a later date (not May 21st), because all of his guests opted to attend the most important event in the history of humanity instead. Oprah’s Farewell Spectacular took place at Chicago’s United Center last night and every single celebrity in the world lined up to take turns licking on her ass. The salad tossing record has been broken.

Even Madonna, who shit talked Oprah in Truth or Dare, was there. Will.i.am, Jackie Evancho, Usher, Beyonce, Aretha Franklin, Josh Groban, Stevie Wonder and Jamie Foxx all performed. Besides the names I’ve already dropped, the guest list included:

Will & Jada Pinkett Smith
Maria Shriver
Tom Hanks
Tommy Girl & Stepford Katie
Halle Berry
Queen Latifah
Dr. Phil & Dr. Oz
Simon Cowell
Jerry Seinfeld
Diane Sawyer
Michael Jordan
Dakota Fanning
Maya Angelou
Gayle King
Rosie O’Donnell

The Daily Mail says Diane Sawyer told Oprah that her show is like a growing life tree. After Diane Sawyer said that, Angel Katharine Hepburn made a mental note to tell Barbara Walters that she wants to change the answer to the “What kind of tree are you?” question from Oak Tree to a MIGHTY OPRAH TREE!

And for the grand finale of Oprah’s 2-part Farewell Spectacular……

Canons shot out 20,000 of Oprah’s cloned ovaries into the audience. YOU GET AN OPRAH! YOU GET AN OPRAH! AND YOU GET AN OPRAH! EVERYBODY GETS AN OPRAH!

This mess airs on May 23rd and May 24th.

The details of Oprah’s final show on May 25th haven’t been revealed. Oh, how I hope the final shot is Oprah shooting up in bed and saying to herself, “It was all a dream.” Then she’ll lay back down and throw her arm over a mysterious bed mate. Just as the camera zooms in, Gayle King will turn around and wink. The end!