17-year-old Angus T. Jones (seen here with his fluorescent gingerling of a brother) of Two and a Half Men will continue to play Jake Harper on the show for the next two seasons in exchange for $300,000 per episode and a $500,000 signing bonus. Basically, CBS filled their dump truck with crisp hundred dollars bill, backed it onto Angus’ front yard and dropped that shit. Angus is making it rain thanks to people like my mom who will stab a trick in the froat with a rusty spork if you interrupt them during Two and a Half Men (I will send her a hate note in a Precious Moments card on your behalf).
TMZ says that CBS has ordered 48 episodes of the show, which means that Angus’ piggy bank will be filled with $14.4 million not including bonuses. Charlie Sheen makes $2 million an episode, and Jon Cryer gets around $450,000.
Angus needs to close his ears and hum a loud tune whenever Charlie Sheen tries to give him financial advice. Dude does not want to waste all of his money on overpriced pussy peddlers, the bad shit and fancy cars he will eventually drunk drive into the canyon near his mansion. Learn from Gary Coleman and MC Hammer. Angus wants his future to look like this:
In the future, Angus does not want to be selling his Underoos on eBay and hosting the opening of mobile phone kiosks in exchange for a gift card to Walgreens. Scratch that. That was a bad example since being a professional panty seller on eBay is better than being Frankie Muniz.