Heidi Montag Wants Less Tit In Her Life

And I’m not talking about the tit that is Spencer Pratt!!! (The gong is the shop, so you’ll have to use a trash can lid instead.) Heidi Montag’s nipples are crying a river of silicone tears to Life & Style, because she says that when she sleeps against a wall at night, she dreams of a life without two giant rollerballs stuffed into her chest.

Heidi is down in Costa Rica to replace her size G (is for goddamnyoureadumbfuck) implants with DDs. Heidi’s assistant took a hot blow dryer to her face to loosen it up a bit so she could open up her mouth and say, “I’m desperate to go back to normal. I’m downgrading and going a little smaller, to a D or a double D. I have major anxiety about it. I was taking painkillers but they weren’t working so I stopped. It hurt either way. I’m obsessed with fitness but it’s impossible to work out with these boobs. It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life. I feel trapped in my own body.”

Heidi’s brain turned to dust as soon as she licked on Spencer Pratt’s hairy ass crack, so you can’t say that she should’ve thought about this before she Real Doll-ized herself. But seriously, you would think it would be relatively easy for Heidi to downgrade her chest area. She should just get Spencer to release a little air from the push-pull valve on her ass. That should do the trick right.

Somewhere in the world, the reigning fake titty queen Sheyla Hershey just said this to Heidi’s cover: “Light (*oxygen mask over face, oxygen mask off face*) weight (*passes out*)”