$100 million is reportedly the magic number Tiger Woods will write IN BLOOD on a personal check and hand over to his soon-to-be ex-wife Elin Nordegren as part of their divorce settlement. This is 650 miles away from the $750 million figure people were throwing around recently, but it’s still enough cash for Elin to heal her wounds (and possibly any crotch warts Tiger gave her) with. Hopefully, Elin also gets the golf club she used to whoop his SUV so she can hang it in a shadow box over one of her toilets.
Some inside source swears on a pile of Ambiens to TMZ that $100 million is the correct amount and it’s much more than she would’ve collected under the original prenup. They also say that Tiger’s net worth is around $500 to $600 million.
Apparently, as part of the deal Elin agreed to not write a tell-all about Tiger’s mistress whore ways. This is the saddest news, because I was really hoping that Elin’s tell-all would be turned into a Lifetime movie starring Shauna Sand as Elin, Todd Bridges as Tiger, George Takei in drag as Tiger’s mom and Trace Cyrus as Rachel Uchitel (Hey, it’s my fantasy TV movie).
This really makes me want to call my mom and yell at her for not raising me to be a blonde Swedish nanny with ovaries. That could’ve been me!