To Divorce Or Not To Divorce

March 2, 2010 / Posted by:

Page Six brings us this story about how Chynna Phillips filed for divorce from Billy Baldwin on Friday, but withdrew the documents yesterday after she had a change of heart. This just your regular “wife files for divorce, talks to her business manager, withdraws divorce” story. So since all I’ve got is time, I’m going to try to tell it using the title of every single Wilson Phillips song (covers not included) from their first two albums. Yes, I own all their albums. Yes, I am officially your mother, so send me a card (E-Cards don’t count) on Mother’s Day or I’ll go into your old room to weep into your baby blanket.

This post isn’t going to make any sense, but my posts never do so you’re probably already used to that. Here we go!!!

Chynna Phillips checked into rehab for anxiety early last week, because IT’S ONLY LIFE. Five days later, Chynna shuffled up to the receptionist at rehab and said, RELEASE ME. Once Chynna finished signing her exit papers, she turned to the receptionist, bowed and proclaimed, “GOODBYE CARMEN, I’m all FUELED FOR HOUSTON.” Technically, Chynna was going back to Santa Barbara, but she’s been a little spastic lately so she sometimes has no idea what she’s saying.

When she got home, Chynna called her husband Billy and asked him, “WHERE ARE YOU? Billy told Chynna that he’s in NYC filming Gossip Girl. Chynna was feeling a little ALONE, so she asked Billy if he would come ALL THE WAY FROM NEW YORK to see her. Billy told Chynna that he couldn’t, but to HOLD ON for one more day because he’d be with her soon.

After Chynna hung up with her husband, she felt like she didn’t have A REASON TO BELIEVE their love would make it anymore. So Chynna called her lawyer to file for divorce. Chynna had to call him OVER AND OVER again, because the line was busy for some reason. When Chynna finally got through, she told her lawyer that she needed to divorce Billy. Chynna cried to her lawyer that she’s only FLESH AND BLOOD and it was time to GIVE IT UP. Chynna’s lawyer responded by saying, “I HEAR YOU.” And with that, Chynna’s lawyer submitted the divorce papers to be filed in a Santa Barbara court.

Billy immediately Skyped Chynna when he found out what she just did. They argued for a few minutes and Billy begged Chynna, “Please don’t RELEASE ME.” Chynna couldn’t take it anymore and logged off after saying, “YOU WON’T SEE ME CRY, Billy!”

Chynna ran off to bawl into her bed sheets. When she wiped her eyes on the pillow case, she looked up and stared at a beautiful picture of Billy on their wedding day. Chynna realized she was just being IMPULSIVE and told herself, “Chynna, YOU’RE IN LOVE. That’s the way it should be.” So with that, Chynna grabbed her coat and got into her car to drive to the court house. But there was a tiny problem. Chynna’s car was out of gas.

Instead of wasting time calling AAA, she put on her Easy Spirits and started to run to court. When a guy on a bike noticed she was in a hurry, he told her to hop on and he’d give her a ride. Chynna was so excited to get to the court house that she kept pulling on her savior’s jacket too hard. He kept having to shout at her, “DON’T TAKE ME DOWN or you’ll go down too!” Once they got to the court house, Chynna hugged her savior and said, “OOH YOU’RE GOLDEN!” Dude rolled his eyes at her, because he was annoyed that she kept pulling at his jacket like an idiot.

Just as a court clerk was about to file Chynna’s divorce papers, she yelled at him to stop. The clerk turned around, gave Chynna the sex eye and puckered his lips at her. The court clerk had EYES LIKE TWINS. Skeezy twins, that is. Chynna couldn’t believe the court clerk was actually hitting on her at a time like this! Chynna demanded that he hand over the papers, but he refused to do so unless she gave him a little kiss on his penis first.

Chynna told him she’s following Lady GaGa’s advice and only having sex with people she loves. Namely, her husband. The court clerk whispered in Chynna’s ear, “THIS DOESN’T HAVE TO BE LOVE, sweetheart” And just when he was about to force a kiss on her, a sassy judge saw what was going down and put a stop to it. The judge snatched the papers out of the clerk’s hand, handed them over to Chynna and then fired the perv on the stop.

Once Chynna had the divorce papers in her hands, she dropped to her knees, ripped them into a million pieces and shouted into the heavens, ” THE DREAM IS STILL ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!”

The End.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wash the patheticness from my finger tips (SPOILER ALERT: It’s not going to come out).

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