You Don’t Say?

Here comes a story from the Department of Obvious. Paula Abdul had an addiction to pain killers. *crickets* *crickets* *crickets*

The only shocking part is that Paula is actually admitting it. Miss “Ahs nevah been drunkz” and “Ahs nevah taken drugz” is actually confessing that she was forever lidocaine’s girl. Every back alley pharmacist from here to Phuket is screaming, “Told you so.”

Yes, Paula loved the p-killers. The sweet delicious p-killers. She’d eat them for brunch, lunch and dinner. She’d bathe in them before bedtime. She’d cuddle with them at night. And she probably let them kiss her cat a few times. Well, you know she did. Unfortunately, it became a problem and the little Pillhead had to be shuffled off to rehab last November.

In an interview with Ladies Home Journal (via UsWeekly), Paula said it all started years ago when she regularly stuck her ass with lidocaine shots. In 2005, she was diagnosed “reflex sympathetic dystrophy syndrome” and the pain was so bad that she had to wear a patch that was 80 times more potent than morphine. Paula also took a nerve medication. And a muscle relaxer.

When Paula realized what the world already knows (that she’s out of her fucking head), she checked herself into the La Costa Resort in Carlsbad, CA. Paula says, “I could have killed myself. Withdrawal – it’s the worst thing. I was freezing cold, then sweating hot, then chattering and in so much pain. It was excruciating. At my very core, I did not like existing the way I had been.”

That sounds like every Sunday morning for me. Get yourself some bacon grease and a Gatorade, Paula.

I will say that Paula doesn’t seem like she’s flying through the stars as much on Idol this year. So maybe she’s off the good shit for now. Although, you know she licks that patch every now and again. For special occasions. Speaking of, where oh where can I get one of those patches?! What dealer do I have to call?! That patch sounds like a beautiful thing. I promise I’ll be good to it. I’ll sing to it. I’ll open doors for it. I’ll never leave it or do it wrong. GET ME THAT PATCH.

We all should be born with that patch already installed.