Shawn Southwick’s Whore Speaks

With the likes of Bombshit McGross and Jamie Juggalooorwhatever getting most of the attention on the mistress circuit, we’ve been in dire need of a side-piece with peen, and now we have one! Although, I’m not sure if this is exactly what we ordered, because bitch looks like a Tool Academy reject who didn’t even make it past admissions. We’ll take it, for now.

Hector Penate (that’s “Peenate” to all of us), a little league coach, has ran off to InTouch Weekly to collect a check for the details of his alleged affair with Larry King’s wife Shawn Southwick.

The two met while Hector coached Larry and Shawn’s young sons in New Hampshire. Peenate said that during his year-long fuck party with Shawn, she bought him a BMW and paid his rent. Cut to Peenate: “We had sex in Larry’s bed — a lot. I felt like it was my house. She paid my rent, she bought me clothes and a BMW 7 Series. She wanted to have a little girl with me. She was trying to fertilize her eggs to do that.”

According to Peenate, Larry even knew about the affair but didn’t give a dead squirrel’s ass, because he was too busy sharing his love with Shawn’s sister Shannon. Larry even co-signed on Peenate’s apartment in Studio City after Shawn asked him too. Peenate went on to say, “She controlled him. He just sat there and signed it. (pause) He’s a sex freak.”

So basically Peenate is trying to tell us that Shawn and Larry had an open marriage of sorts. Thank you for that vital piece of world history, Peenate. And thank you for calling Larry a “sex freak,‘ because now I can’t get the image of him humping on anything that can’t run away. Looks like an elderly Chinese Crested dog slobbering at both holes. Thanks, Peenate,

And I change my mind about keeping Peenate for now. I’m returning his ass thanks to this tattoo of a Benedictine Monk lyric. Chant your ass away!

Image via Pacific Coast News

These Two Crazy Skeletons Belong Together

Both Larry King and his wife of nearly 13 years Shawn Southwick filed for divorce last week after getting into a fight over the allegations that he’s fucking her sister. Well, People says there’s a good chance they won’t quit each other after all. Larry’s lawyer had this to say:

“There’s a 50-50 chance this divorce is not happening. His focus is on the best interest of his children. It’s not clear to me which way he’s going to turn on this issue.”

After all the dust from Larry’s orifices settled, they probably decided that deep down they still love each other. Larry knows that he will never find another lady who won’t choke on her own vomit at the sight of him eating a whole raw fish like The Penguin in Batman.

Shawn realizes that after humping on Larry’s body for all these years, she’s officially a necrophiliac. And why should she go trolling the morgues for dead bodies to fornicate with when she’s got one at home? They belong together!

UPDATE: Larry’s lawyer says their divorce is postponed for two weeks while they work some shit out. Zombie love forever!