Would You Hit It?

It shames me to admit that during Saved By The Bell’s run, I was more into AC Slater than Zack Morris, but in my defense, I didn’t know then that he was an enema bottle wrapped in a maxi pad wrapped in a poodle mullet (“Since when did that stop you?” – you). But now, Zack Morris is clearly the hottest SBTB dude. Just like one’s ability to not give a shit, Mark-Paul Gosselaar gets better and strong with age. MPG made nips get moist a couple of years ago when he (NSWF link) humped on Mary-Louise Parker in Weeds and here he is making genitals scream “I’m so excited! I’m so excited!” while shooting a scene for Franklin & Bash in Malibu yesterday.

Yes, I’d hit it (even when he’s looking like this) and the same goes for his co-stars Reed Diamond and the skateboarding stoner from Clueless. And I see you in the corner of there, Tan Mom. You better put a top on and slowly back away from MPG.

Would You Hit It?

Well, it was bound to happen, but today is the day when we’re all staring in unison at the Dick Solomon in Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s silky shorts. Congratulations to us all! Who knew that JGL looks hot even when he’s making a constipation face. You’re monitor is probably covered with a thin layer of self-tanner grease and AXE hair gel, and that’s because in his new movie Don Jon, JGL plays a Jersey dude who is obsessed with chasing tricks, pumping iron and fapping to porn. It’s almost like The Situation’s life story. If there’s a scene in JGL’s movie where his character has butt sex with a Jacuzzi jet, The Situation is totally going to sue him for not paying for the rights to his life story.

Don Jon, which was directed by JGL and also stars ScarJo, Tony Danza and Julianne Moore, is currently screening at SXSW. JGL says his movie is “a comedy about how men and women treat each other, and how the media we consume can create unrealistic expectations that we put on one another. That’s why the story centers around a relationship between a young man (played by me) who watches too much pornography and a young woman (played by Scarlett) who watches too many romantic Hollywood movies. It’s a topic I personally find fascinating and hilarious.”

Blah blah blah blah…. Doesn’t JGL know that you don’t sell a movie by yammering on and on about the plot? You sell a movie by telling us how many nude scenes, shirtless scenes and peen print scenes are in your movie. Nobody cares about the plot!

To answer my question in the headline, yes, I’d hit it and I’d hit Tony Danza too, but only if they kept their guido looks. And since JGL is a director now, maybe he can make my wet dreams come true by directing (and starring in) a gay porn parody of 3rd Rock from the Sun called 3rd Cock from my Buns.

Would You Hit It?

In case you don’t know who this is, I’ll give you five possible answers:

a) Samantha Ronson in 20 years
b) The sixth place winner in a Billy Idol look-alike contest at a bar in Manchester
c) A Hot Topic assistant manager dressed in Guy Fieri cosplay
d) A volunteer model from Billie Joe Armstrong’s School of Beauty
e) Ethan Hawke

Any of those answers work, but the real answer is Ethan Hawke. Ethan Hawke worked a bleached mop and Urban Decay eyeliner while posing with his cast mates and the playwright at the opening night of the play Clive in NYC last night. Yes, I’d hit it. And I’d hit it extra hard if you told me that Ethan’s carpet matches his bleached drapes. I am all for blond pubes with black roots.

Would You Hit It?

Wearing a wig that looks better than anything on Nicki Minaj’s head and showing Keith Urban what Nicole Kidman would look like if she didn’t replace all the blood in her face with coolant, Steven Tyler  made nipples moist when he auditioned for four Fraggle Rock refugees as Pepper LaBeija from the House of LaBeija. (+10 points to Steven for that Paris is Burning reference.) Steven Tyler must not have shit to do, because he returned to American Idol last night and looked like he just jacked off a bellboy in exchange for two cots in a storage closet at The Beverly Hills Hotel. Steven Tyler does White Oprah drag better than White Oprah does White Oprah drag.

Here’s Steven giving us some Dude Looks Like A Lohan shit:

And I know Steven Tyler’s got a dick hole cut out in those control top tights, so yes, yes, I would.

via Daily Mail 

Would You Hit It?

No, this isn’t Lucius Malfoy’s emotionally damaged drifter younger brother who has repeatedly been arrested for jacking off into coin slots of pay phones and who’s been kicked out of Macy’s for oinking at women as they change in the dressing room. This is Benedict Cumberbatch as Wikileaks founder and alleged rapist Julian Assange in the movie The Fifth Estate, which also stars Daniel Brühl (below), Laura Linney and Anthony Mackie.

The things that Slytherin bob are doing to his face. Looking at that picture is making me want to file a police report and scrub my skin with a Chore Boy. And that’s exactly how I feel when I look at a picture of Julian Assange, so Bennigans Cumcatcher totally nailed it!

And no, I would not hit it. I can’t even fap to it and that’s saying EVERYTHING.

Would You Hit It?

Here’s Wilmer Vlderrama checking in with his comrade PedoBear to see if any new fresh meat has strolled out of the Disney studio. Wilmer stuffed his self-proclaimed 8-inch meat snake into some swim shorts to sashay around the beach in Miami yesterday. To answer my own headline, no, I would not hit that. Slap Wilmer’s crotch sausage on a bed of chocolate nachos and I still wouldn’t hit it. I’m crazy and neurotic enough. Wilmer’s extra long cachito dick makes hos go crazy. Exhibit A and B: Lindsay Lohan and Demi Lovato. Wilmer sticks the tip in, and years later you’re gargling on Charlie Sheen’s soggy fish balls for a check.

Wilmer’s dick is the gateway to Crazy Town. Just….no.