Michael Lohan Is Still Talking

Michael Lohan should just change his name to STFU, because that’s the first thing I think of whenever I see his name. Over the weekend, at some party in NYC, Michael told New York Magazine that he needs to start keeping his family shit private. Yeah, this turtle-necked motherfucker is talking to the media about how he shouldn’t talk to the media. The hell?

Specifically, Michael is sowwy for calling SamRo meanie mean names. He said (pinch your nose, because his words smell like caca), “I definitely regret all the things I said about Samantha. I’m a Christian. I should not pass judgment on anyone. In the past, I felt that the best way to get to her was to speak out publicly. And it was the wrong choice. Family matters should be kept private. I’ve learned that now.”

Michael suffers from a rare condition called Chronic Mouth Diarrhea. I also suffer from this, but there’s no cure for me. However, there is a cure for Michael. You see that hideous cell phone holder on his waist that’s burning my eyes? In order to fix his problem, Michael just has to take that thing and shove it all the way down his throat. It would shut him up and it would also make that fugly ass cell holder disappear. Two birds!

VIA UsWeekly

HoHan Still Likes Dick

HoHan hasn’t completely lost the craving for delectable dick. In fact, she’s telling friends that SamRo is the only coochie she’s interested in bumping it with. When their relationship goes the way of HoHan’s career, she’s going right back to dudes.

One friend tells Full Disclosure, “She has been telling everyone over and over that she’s still into guys. She keeps saying if anything went wrong with Sam she would date a guy next. She even flirts with guys when they go out.”

The friend also said that in an upcoming magazine interview, HoHan’s going to proclaim she’s strictly dickly and not a gayelle. Just call her Celestia.

You know, who needs labels? HoHan isn’t a lezzie, she isn’t straight, she’s not bi, she’s just a fucking slut! The same can be said for a lot of us. I mean, if Rojo Caliente rolled up in her Dodge pick-up and asked me to be hers, I would put on my coochie-eatin’ flannel, dab a little tuna juice on my no-no hole and scream, “Home Depot! Here we come!”

Gayelle Fight On A Train

When you’re on an Acela train from NYC to DC with someone you’re currently bumping oysters with, you should spend most of the trip massaging each other’s clitties, not fighting! Some nosy bitch was sitting near HoHan and SamRo on a train ride to DC and listened to them “quietly” arguing the entire time.

The bitch told Page Six that HoHan complained during most of the train ride and told SamRo that she’s constantly doing what’s best for them and not what’s best for her. SamRo sat there with her hood over her head and sighed every now and again. During the fight, HoHan yelled at SamRo, “Don’t fucking lie to me!”

These two actually talk to each other? I figured they only communicated through text messaging. I bet they even text during sexy times. While SamRo is eating the ham wallet, HoHan texts her, “O YES rt there i’m abt2 cum yeh kip dat tung Fkng goin!”

And yes, it’s the slowest fucking gossip day ever…….

HoHan’s Original Halloween Costume

HoHan is a genius when it comes to picking Halloween costumes. Full Disclosure reports that she’s chosen to go as Sarah Palin. You know, because ten million other people aren’t going to dress as Palin for Halloweenie. Seriously, that’s why I’m considering staying inside. The streets will be covered with Palins. There’s not enough drugs or booze to help me deal with that. Wait. Maybe I should go as Cindy McCain? Then I’d have a valid reason to pop Vicodin all night. That would be a hot costume.

Anynotoriginalcostumechooser, HoHan’s official vagina cleaner SamRo is considering dressing as Todd Palin. TODD?! For real? That’s the best she could come up with?!

If HoHan insists on dressing as Palin, then SamRo should at least wear a Joe Sixpack costume. She doesn’t even have to dress up. She just has to wear her normal clothes and carry a six packer of Natty Ice.

Here’s these two crazy gayelles going to see Vadge at Madison Square Garden in NYC last night.

The Secret To SamRo’s Sexy Bikini Body

When you first saw the pictures of SamRo in a two-piece, I’m sure you either:

a) Rubbed one off.
b) Vomited with your eyes.
c) Wondered what the secret is to her sexy bikini body?

If you’re in the c-group then I have the answer for you! SamRo talked to People about the pictures of her in a bikini while vacationing with her lady friend HoHan. She said she wasn’t happy about it, but laughed when she heard that some people were impressed by her body. When asked what her secret is, she said, “No gym – well, not in the last five years. All the credit goes to Mom and Dad and their genes!“

SamRo said the only time she gets exercise is when she’s “sprinting through airports to catch flights.” She went on to say, “I get winded just reaching for my cigarettes!”

Umm…err….she forgot to mention a couple of important ways she stays thin. I’m sure her all-coochie-diet has something to do with it. You can eat all you want and you don’t get fat! You might have breath like a bucket of chum, but at least you won’t have a fat ass.

She was lying when she said she didn’t work out that much. I’m sure she burns at least a hundred calories by doing her daily cardio exercise of scissor bumping.

Gayelle Lovers At The Beach

SamRo and HoHan are still on a big lezzie holiday in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Don’t forget to swallow the worm! You know, I could never bring myself to drink the tequila worm. This is surprising because I’ve swallowed a lot of funky…. Okay, I’ll stop. It’s too early for that sick gutter talk.

Yesterday, the two little dykies spent the day playing Scrabble (WTF), smoking fags, standing in front of the ocean, staring at the ocean, holding hands and eating frozen sperm pops. Those silly lezzies! You’re not supposed to eat the sperm pops! You’re supposed to put them up your snatch if you want a baby!

It’s still a little strange seeing SamRo in a pretty bikini. She kind of looks like a younger Mr. Burns rocking a sexy two piece. I bet this is what Mark Ronson looks like in a bikini, but his chichis are probably bigger.

Here’s more of these two getting sand in their ‘ginas in Mexico. I bet the sand exfoliates their chochas when they bump them together later. It makes their honey ham coochies extra soft. Soft like a butch dyke’s leather tool belt.