Rupert Murdoch Is Watching You, Scientology

Maniacal villain Rupert Murdoch who knows all about wiretapping and stalking a bitch, spent some of his weekend firing shot after shot after shot at Tommy Girl and his band of crazed alien fuckers on Twitter (via ABC News). When Rupert Murdoch calls you an evil cunt, you know you’re doing a really good job at being an evil cunt. Rupert started beating on Scientology with his cane after he brought up the de-bearding of Tommy Girl and let it be known that he’s not afraid that the Scientologists will threaten to dip him in donut frosting and sic Kirstie Alley on his ass:

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Scientology back in news. Very weird cult, but big, big money involved with Tom Cruise either number two or three in hiearchy.

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Watch Katie Holmes and Scientology story develop. Something creepy, maybe even evil, about these people.

Rupert Murdoch ‏@rupertmurdoch
Since Scientology tweet hundreds of attacks. Expect they will increase and get worse and maybe threatening. Still stick to my story.

Some people on Twitter thought it was funny that the pot called the kettle an evil whore, but I love it. I hope Rupert and his grumpy testicle face keep yanking at L. Ron Hubbard’s weave. But really, in a cage match between Darth Vader and Lord Voldemort, who do we root for? Wendi Deng obviously:

The 5 Best Moments From Last Night’s Premiere Of The New Dallas

Almost 7 million people watched last night’s grand return of Dallas on TNT (yeah, it took me a while to figure out what that is too), because what all of really need right now is to get lost into schemes, schemes, more schemes and Jesse Metcalfe’s succulent man tits. Even though there was zero Victoria Principal and needed more campiness, more trashiness and more up-close shots of Jesse’s spectacular tit turnovers bouncing up and down in slow motion, I actually liked it. But what that shit lacked in campiness, it made up for  in something even better. And that leads me to my top 5 favorite moments from last night’s double episode. They’re in no particular order and without commentary, because each moment coos for itself. Apologies for the low-budget ghettoness of the quality of each moment. My screen grabber broke and I had to take pictures with my iPhone, but I still had to share this shit with you. Click to perfection:

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J.R. Ewing is truly an angel. But instead of having wings on his back, he has them over his eyes. Glorious! The most unnatural part of the show for me was how every character sitting across from J.R. never once reached out to braid his brows and put one of those tiny little beads at the end. Bo Derek who? Don’t you just want to point a fan at J.R.’s feathery brows and watch as they dance in the air like a baby duck shaking its tail? I seriously want to tickle my nipple with one of those beauties.

I have a feeling that’s what the Ewing family is REALLY fighting for. They’re not fighting for ownership of South Fork, or oil, or that really stupid rock of dry ice Jesse Metcalfe’s character is trying to sell (seriously, that shit was like the dry ice you put in your cauldron at Halloween parties to make smoke). They’re fighting over J.R.’s brows! I bet that on the season finale, J.R. will wake up from a nap and when his nurse comes in to give him his red Jell-O, she’ll drop the bowl and scream at his BROW-LESS face! WHO PLUCKED J.R.?