The Photoshop Awards: Mimi’s Cover Art For Her Single “The Art Of Letting Go”

More like “The Art of Letting Go of What Your Body Looks Like In Real Life.”

There’s a reason for why Mimi’s 6800-octave yodel welcomes you every time you open Photoshop and why the words “special thanks to our muse Mariah Carey” are on Photoshop’s credits. Photoshop needs Mimi to survive and Mimi needs Photoshop to survive. Mimi is the massage therapist dick to Photoshop’s Travolta b-hole. Mimi is the extra-glazed Krispy Kreme to Photoshop’s Chris Christie. Mimi is the Golden Girls marathon at 1am with a wad of Cinnamon Roll dough to Photoshop’s me. They are each other’s life blood. So of course, the cover of Mimi’s single for “The Art of Letting Go” is about 99% Adobe, 0.45% Mimi (that right eye might be her real eye) and 0.55% unicorn magic. That body belongs to Mimi as much as half of the shit in Lindsay Kleptohan’s closet belongs to her, but it’s hard to hate since Mimi is the sole reason why the children of Adobe employees ate dinner tonight. Mimi’s obsession with Photoshop is keeping Adobe alive and keep the children of Adobe employees fed!

And here’s Mimi with Patti LaBelle at BET’s Black Girls Rock event at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center in Newark on Saturday night. These pictures are meant to be viewed with Photoshop goggles on.

Pics: Splash

The Time Patti LaBelle Allegedly Attacked A Toddler With Water

Note to toddlers who don’t know how to act right (in other words, ALL toddlers): You better learn how while in the presence of Miss Patti LaBelle or she will try to exorcise the brat out of you by splashing you in the face with some Poland Springs.

Kevin and Roseanna Monk filed a lawsuit against Patti on Monday alleging that she went itchy gitchi yaya on their 18-month-old last year. Patti stayed in the same Manhattan building the Monks live in last year while she was doing Fela! on Broadway. On one November day, Roseanna was down in the lobby getting some luggage together for a family trip when Patti swept into her presence and said, “‘Do you know what your daughter is doing?” Roseanna shot back with, “Lady, mind your business.” Anybody who is well versed in the ancient grandma martial art of Whoop-a-trick knows what happened next. Patti calmly took off her sunglasses, removed her fur coat, handed her pocketbook to her assistant, smeared her face with a fightin’ shield (aka Vaseline), put on all her chunkiest rings and killed the lights by going crazy. Roseanna says, “Patti lost it.”

Patti cursed everyone out and waved her water bottle so much that some of its insides splashed in the toddler’s face. Roseanna’s lawyer goes on to say in the lawsuit, “It was enough that the mother had to change her shirt and the baby’s shirt. The baby’s never been exposed to anything like that before. She started crying violently. She started throwing up. My client went outside, and on the way to her car, she said ‘Look what you did to my daughter. Look what you did. That’s when Patti lost it and she lunged at her, tried to punch her and had to be restrained by her entourage. The bodyguard had to get out and drag Patti into the car.”

The lawyer also claims that the Monks’ toddler is traumatized as shit and has trouble sleeping at night (don’t all toddlers?).

Roseanna went to the police but nothing was done about it. The Monks weren’t really planning on suing until they read about how a U.S. Military Academy cadet is suing Patti over a beat down her bodyguards issued on him at an airport in Houston. The Monks are suing for punitive damages, but they really just want to teach Patti that you can’t go around throwing water at a toddler’s face.

There are a bunch of highly important details missing here. Why didn’t Roseanna rip Patti’s weave pieces out and slap her thrice in the face with them after her toddler got doused? What did the toddler specifically do that turned Patti’s crazy bitch switch on? Did Patti rage out of her shoes during this mess? Because it’s known that Patti knocks off her shoes when she gets emotional. There’s your key witness in this case. I call Patti’s shoes to the stand!

via ABC News