The Panty Pudding Is Brewing

Gerard Butler was attacked by a crazed horny fanlady outside of his hotel in London yesterday and he loved it. Gerry was probably hypnotized by her gorgeous cricket leg eyebrows! Or maybe her chichis, because Gerry loooves chichis. Gerry loves chichis so much that it gives him the sads that he can’t tell you how beautiful your breastes are.

Gerry said, “We’ve taken something as simple as sexual attraction, something that’s in our DNA, that’s basic to society, and turned it into something complicated. We’ve made the rules we must abide by that make it difficult to connect with each other. If a woman has great breasts, I’d love to tell her so. But in polite society, you can’t do that. Which is a shame.”

Oh, Gerry. I’m not a woman (DON’T SAY IT) and my titties are only training-bra size, but you can compliment them anytime you want. You can even touch them, flick at them or slap them with your peen. My chesticles are your own personal Motel 6: open 24 hours and here for you! The woman below feels the same. Obvi.

You Need A Little Hoff In Your Coffee

Some of us are barely getting up, so the eye jizz is still crusty and our beds are beckoning us back to them. That shit’s not an option, so why not cuddle in between The Hoff’s succulent tittays instead. Titty fuck him with your entire body. Let his warm chichi fur envelope you as you moisturize your skin with the booze grease that oozes out of his nips.

You know, I’m not sure whose furry moobies are more luscious? The Hoff’s or Simon Cowell’s? There’s only way one to settle this: titty contest!

Panty Creamer Of The Day

I just had to stick a bucket under my ass and hope for the best after seeing these panty pudding inducing pictures of Carrot Top with a meatball in his mouth. You know, I bet his personal skin meatballs look a lot like that. Well, with a red fern field growing on them, of course.

Gene Simmons and Carrot Versatile shared a romantic dinner together at the ultra elegant Buca di Beppo in Las Vegas last night. This is like a fucked up version of Lady and the Tramp. ManLady and the Roidhead.

Bitches always think I’m joking when I say that my no-no instantly turns into a yes-yes for Carrot Top. This is not a joke. I’d ride that Carrot until it turned pureed carrots. I’d mash that shit down faster than a fucking Beaba Babycooker. My ass would look like that bowl of spaghetti when I was done with him. And that’s the ugly, horrifying truth.

Dear Clara Meadmore, Don’t Look At These Pictures

Hugh Jackman turned 40 yesterday and he celebrated by giving a bunch sunbathers in Sydney the gift of his body. You know that when Hugh got into the water, everybody had to run out and head to the bathroom because their crotches were about to explode. It was like a panty pudding fountain. Shit. You better check your own panty situation. It’s probably covered in clitty litter. Mine is a lost cause. It’s going right into the “burn pile.”

There has to be something wrong with his ass. His dick must be all sorts of disappointing. I bet he suffers from cashew dick. It’s probably small, curved and salty. Yeah, because I can’t believe that his body is that perfect.

Hugh’s Mrs. Claus-looking wife must have been some kind of saint in a past life to nab such a piece of hotness. If I was married to him, I would never leave his side. Ever. And if some slick bitch looked at him with lusty eyes, I’d shoot that ho. No joke.

Here’s Hugh making genitals burst at the beach yesterday and out with his wifey the other night.

Stuffed?

Becks will be in San Francisco tonight where he will show off several pictures from the new Emporio Armani panties campaign. Hmm….I’m thinking Becks had a little help in the dick department. That shit looks like a dill pickle.

It doesn’t matter. I’d still hit it. I’d take that dill pickle and shove it in his mouth, so that I won’t have to hear a girly peep from him. I mean, can you imagine hearing Minnie Mouse scream, “Take that dick!” Total buzzkill.

VIA Towleroad

Cougar In Leopard

Madonna is leading the revolution of women over 45 spreading their crotches in photo shoots. Julianne Moore joined the revolution by letting out her crotch for the cover of May’s Vogue Paris.

Julianne Moore could spread her ass cheeks and I would still be all over it. This woman can do no wrong. Although, I see a little copper wire popping out of her panties. Joooking.

She has a look on her face that is telling me she needs to push a queef out. Release it! The panties can take it. Even if they can’t take it, a little strawberry panty pudding never hurt anyone.