Speaking Of Open Letters To Miley Cyrus….

Singer, songwriter and Evel Knievel’s fashion twin Sufjan Stevens took a break from writing albums inspired by North Dakota, South Carolina, Maine, Rhode Island, Oregon and all the other damn states to join in on all the open letter foolery. Sufjan didn’t grab Miley’s lizard tongue and drag her around the playground because he thinks she’s whoring her naked body out for music executives and he’s not calling her out for having bad tongue hygiene (seriously, when is somebody going to call that bitch out for her lack of tongue hygiene). Sufjan wrote an open letter to Miley, because he’s concerned about her grammar skills. Yes, this is a joke (I think).

Dear Miley.

I can’t stop listening to #GetItRight (great song, great message, great body), but maybe you need a quick grammar lesson. One particular line causes concern: “I been laying in this bed all night long.” Miley, technically speaking, you’ve been LYING, not LAYING, an irregular verb form that should only be used when there’s an object, i.e. “I been laying my tired booty on this bed all night long.” Whatever. I’m not the best lyricist, but you know what I mean. #Get It Right The Next Time. But don’t worry, even Faulkner messed it up. We all make mistakes, and surely this isn’t your worst misdemeanor. But also, Miley, did you know the tense here is also totally wrong. Surely you’ve heard of Present Perfect Continuous Tense (I HAVE BEEN LYING in this bed all night long [hopefully getting some beauty sleep?]). It’s a weird, equivocal, almost purgatorial tense, not quite present, not quite past, not quite here, not quite there. Somewhere in between. I feel that way all the time. It kind of sucks. But I have a feeling your “present perfect continuous” involves a lot more excitement than mine. Anyway, doesn’t that also sum up your career right now? Present. Perfect. Continuous. And Tense. Intense? Girl, you work it like Mike Tyson. Miley, I love you because you’re the Queen, grammatically and anatomically speaking. And you’re the hottest cake in the pan. Don’t ever grow old. Live brightly before your fire fades into total darkness.

XXOO Sufjan

You know how in horror movies when a monster is coming at a whore and the whore’s friend tries to get the monster to come at them instead by screaming “Hey, bitch, your mom’s a slut!” That’s kind of what Sufjan Stevens did without knowing it. When Sinead realizes that Sufjan is making fun of open letter writers, she’s going to turn away from Miley and direct her open letter wrath on him. Sufjan, you don’t know what you’ve started, girl.

via Vulture

Sinead O’Connor Is Really Going For The World Record In Open Letter Writing

In case you barely woke up from the fuckery-induced coma you fell into after watching Miley Cyrus twerk on Bettlejuice’s crotch while tongue fucking the air during the VMAs and know nothing about this Sinead O’Connor feud, then consider yourself lucky and take your eyes away from this post. But if you really need to know, here’s the history of the worst feud ever:

September 24, 2013 – Rolling Stone farts out an interview with Miley where she says that her video for “Wrecking Ball” was inspired by Sinead’s video for “Nothing Compares 2 U.”

October 2, 2013 – Sinead starts her open-letter-a-thon by writing her first open letter where she used the word “prostitute” approximately five million times and told Miley that the music industry doesn’t give half-a-fuck about her and is only using her.

October 3, 2013 – Miley replaced “fast-drying ass lube” as Sinead’s greatest enemy when she basically called Sinead a crazy bitch by comparing her to Amanda Bynes.

October 3, 2013 – Sinead wrote a second open letter and threatened to sue Miley if that hillbilly lizard didn’t apologize to her and Amanda for making fun of mental illness.

October 3, 2013 – Miley tweeted an invitation to Sinead to meet up and twerk it out.

October 4, 2013 – Sinead turned down Miley’s invitation and once again threatened to sue her lizard tongue off if she doesn’t apologize.

October 7, 2013 – Miley tells Matt Lauer on Today that Sinead is an “incredible artist” and that it’s kind of crazy how Sinead turned on her so fast.

October 8, 2013 – Sinead thought Miley was calling her crazy and shit out a FOURTH OPEN LETTER where she basically said the same crap she said in her second and third open letters.

October 8, 2013 – When asked at her album release party if she’s going to make up with Sinead, Miley said, “Are we supposed to kiss?”

And that brings us to Sinead’s FIFTH FUCKING OPEN LETTER:

Dear Miley,

I hear you’ve asked “Are we supposed to kiss?”.. when someone asked you would we ‘make up’. No, worry not.. there’s no need for kissing.. But let me state again.. You’re supposed to apologise for the mocking of any person who sought help, publicly or privately, to prevent themselves from committing suicide.

You’re also supposed to apologise for mocking people who are mistakenly or otherwise perceived to be mentally ill. Because what you did is extraordinarily dangerous as it contributes to the silences which allow suicide to flourish and also contributes to the bullying of people perceived mistakenly or otherwise to be mentally ill. That bullying causes suicides. Thats why you’re supposed to apologise. Its really very simple. People die every day because of the type of thing you did.

Its not that hard to say sorry. Doing so will save lives.

Sinead

Sinead’s kids are nibbling on grass like sick cats since their mom hasn’t fed them in weeks, there’s a new kind of cheese growing on her pits since she hasn’t bathed in forever and her b-hole has tightened up since she hasn’t conquered the difficult brown in days. And it’s all because she’s been too busy writing open letter after open letter to a dumb trick who isn’t even reading them! Here’s my own open letter to Sinead:

Dear Sinead,

STOP.

Love your brother in difficult browness,

Michael

I’m not against Sinead writing letters to Miley, but I am against all these open letters. Send that shit in the mail, Sinead! If Sinead sent Miley private letters through the mail, she’d single-handedly save the entire United States Postal Service!