QOTD: Liam Neeson Thinks Our Horned Up, Slutty Society Is Ruining The Mystery Of Sex

Liam Neeson, father of two teenage boys, tells The Catholic Herald, of course, that modern society is filled with a bunch of fuck-hungry slut whores with dripping genitals (cut to my guiltface) and that the media keeps throwing sex in our faces, which is ruining the specialness of love making. Liam says that kids today can’t open their eyes without seeing crotches thrusting on TV and they can’t hit play on iTunes without hearing some slut sing about banging. Liam went on to say that the media has to stop being so damn sexy before they completely ruin the magic and wonder of fucking.

“I’d hate to be a kid now, because we’re all inundated with so much information about sexuality coming at us from everywhere – the media, the advertising billboards, just everywhere – and it must be so confusing for them. There’s a problem that, if you become over-familiar with something, it moves from the sacred to almost the profane. The act is very, very special, you know. It’s full of mystery and wonder, and I’d hate us all to get to the stage where we just treat it lightly, because it deserves more than that … but times have changed since I was young, no doubt about it.”

Yes, the media is sex crazed and yes, we’re all a bunch of sex crazed horny whores, but you know who’s a little to blame for that? LIAM NEESON! Hasn’t Liam Neeson seen his own Evian bottle dick in action in Rob Roy? Your part (ten inches, to be exact) is part of the problem, Liam Neeson. And please keep being part of the problem, because your Evian bottle dick needs more screen time.

via The Telegraph

Would You Hit It?

Now you know what Liam Neeson looks like in the morning when his half-naked ass rolls out of bed to take a start of the day caca on his porcelain throne. (Or maybe he’s taking a start of the day piss, because he’s still too tired in the body to stand. Story of my AM life.)

Liam Neeson knows that one of the best ways to find a cure for breast cancer is to strip down to his pink panties, so that’s exactly what he did on Ellen yesterday. Liam took off his pink robe, plumped up his 60-year-old chest cutlets, sat down and waited for an audience member’s ball to make it rain all over his body. I’m totally disappointed that Liam didn’t do the Flashdance back arch while a tsunami fell on his head. Watch him in action, and yes, I’m pretty sure his toilet at home looks just like that.

And DUH, I’d hit it. Liam supposedly has an Evian bottle dick and I have a recycling dumpster b-hole, so it’s a match! My ass will even spit up 5 cents afterward.

via EW

Seal’s Tip To Heidi Klum: Don’t Fornicate With The Help

The rumor is that Heidi Klum’s bodyguard Martin Kristen has been protecting her body extra close and most nights, he strips her down, strips himself down and then protects her body by lying on her so no bullets can hit her or anything. Seal was going through LAX the other night and TMZ asked him about Heidi being the Whitney to Martin’s Kevin Costner. Seal basically said that Heidi’s rose stopped kissing him, because she was too busy humping on her bodyguard. And it’s kind of hard kissing Heidi’s rose when Martin’s dick is shoved into it. Heidi’s cooch: one day you’re in, the next day you’re out, because the bodyguard’s up in there.

Being the eloquent poet that he is, Seal said this when asked about Martin and he also said my favorite phrase of the day:

“Look, boys, this is what happens when two people separate, they move on and that generally means there’s new people in their lives. I don’t expect Heidi to all of a sudden become a nun. But as always, my main priority is the emotional of our children and to be quite honest if there’s going to be somebody in their lives I’d much rather it be a familiar face. The only thing I would’ve preferred is if…um… I didn’t expect any better from him, I would’ve thought Heidi would’ve shown a little bit more class and at least waited until we separated first before deciding to fornicate with the help.”

Heidi wouldn’t say if she’s fornicating with the help now, but she denied fornicating with the help while she was married to Seal. Who cares either way, because we all won by Seal mouth farting the phrase: FORNICATE WITH THE HELP. I don’t know if I should put on my coat and damn tails because it sounds like some prim and proper shit that would slip off of Maggie Smith’s tongue in Downton Abbey. Or if it sounds dirtier than saying, she’s getting dicked in the puss by her bodyguard. I don’t know, but I do know that Seal’s next single should be called Fornicate with the Help.

Here’s Heidi and the help in NYC, making their way to her apartment to fornicate.

PETA Gets On Liam Neeson’s Ass For Eating Wolf Meat

PETA is holding a bucket of red paint with Liam Neeson’s name on it, because he admitted that while shooting The Grey, he really got method by slurping on some wolf meat stew. The movie’s director Joe Carnahan thought that the cast would really get into their roles as planewrecked oil workers battling against a wolf pack if they digested some wolf meat. Liam went with it and at a press conference for the movie he told us what White Fang tastes like:

“It was very gamey. But I’m Irish, so I’m used to odd stews. I can take it. Just throw a lot of carrots and onions in there and I’ll call it dinner.”

Note to you hos out there who can’t fap unless there’s a picture of Liam Neeson in front of you: Just throw a lot of carrots and onions on your genitals, and your fap dreams can come true!

Liam talking about eating wolf meat made its way into the ears of the full-time statement makers at PETA and so they obviously had something to say about it to The Guardian:

“Neeson’s stance on kindness to animals is sorely out of step with the rest of the world,” said Peta in a statement, insisting that wolves were in fact shy beasts unlikely to target humans rather than the predatory creatures seen in The Grey. The statement added: “Don’t just shy away. Run away from The Grey.”

Peta also criticised Carnahan for allegedly ordering wolf carcasses from a trapper for use in the film. “Many animals caught in traps chew off their own limbs in order to escape,” said spokeswoman Jane Dollinger. “These animals go on to die of gangrene or other secondary infections, sometimes leaving nursing puppies abandoned to fend for themselves.”

Wolf carcasses aside, PETA is just being PETA yet again. They’ve earned so many STUNT QUEEN crowns that they’re going to need a wider head to fit them all. Swallowing a glob of wolf meat is wrong, but swallowing a glob of chicken, cow, pig or turkey meat isn’t? Besides, how does PETA know that Liam didn’t go full method by surviving by himself in the snowy wilderness for weeks and catching wolves to eat with his bare hands, because that’s possible. But Liam and Joe should still try to get back in PETA’s good graces by pulling the movie from theaters and reshooting it entirely with Shaun Ellis playing every wolf.

And of course, to get into character, Liam’s gonna need to eat some Shaun Ellis and I don’t mean that in a cannibal kind of way (wink wink). Do they make carrot-flavored lube?

Heidi Klum And Seal Are Totally Over (I Mean It This Time)

Who do I need to talk to about extending the weekend to today and tomorrow, because all of us need an extra two days to recover from the emotional roller coaster of tragic uncertainty that Heidi Klum and Seal put us through. It all started on Saturday morning when the meaning of love cried itself into a sad puddle after TMZ said that Heidi is filing for divorce this week. Then on Sunday morning, People peeled us off of the bathroom floor, gently pulled the bottle of Jack out of our anuses and the dildo out of our mouths (In our vulnerable state, we all got confused about what goes into which hole. It happens.) to tell us that Heidi and Seal were working out. But the roller coaster finally crashed into the pavement last night when Heidi and Seal told People that they are done.

“While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition. We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children’s sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy.”

TMZ is now saying that Seal is a complete raging dickfart and since nobody likes a mean seal, Heidi is getting out of there. It also isn’t soothing Seal’s ego knowing that his wife makes more money than he does.

Whatever the reason is, can they just stop it already? One day Seal’s in Heidi, the next day Seal’s out of Heidi. My emotions (and my whiskey-soaked prostate) can’t take it! All this Seal news has forced me to listen to “Kiss From A Rose” more times than one person should (once) and I got so low that I even searched for Heidi’s song on YouTube. That’s the Internet equivalent of reciting lines from The Way We Were to your cats while wearing your nastiest period sweats and eating bowls of ice cream soup.

And on a different note, almost every article about Seal and Heidi I read mentioned that he has a new album coming out. This is why the state of California should really add “Stunt Queen Moves” to its reasons for divorce list.

Halloween Lives On: Heidi Klum & Seal Are Still Together

The world almost experienced a mass pumpkin suicide yesterday when TMZ heard that the reigning king and queen of Halloween, Heidi Klum and Seal, were making plans to murder the life out of their marriage after 6 years together. Cherubs turned their arrows on themselves and lovebirds made plans to legally change their name to loveisaliebirds. But everybody can stop now, because one of People’s sources say that TMZ is being a melodramatic tea-spilling queen. Because although Heidi and Seal have hit a rough patch (Side note: Whenever anyone uses the phrase “rough patch” when talking about relationships problems, I always picture that rash you get when you rub up against a crotch with serious pube stubble.), they aren’t making plans to legally quit each other anytime soon.

Heidi and Seal’s marriage is getting shanked in the ass by a rose, but they’re still trying to work it out. The source says that before Heidi leaves for Germany to shoot Germany’s Top Model and Seal leaves for Australia to do The Voice over there, they are spending time together at home in Brentwood. Cut to the source: “They’ve been fighting a lot lately, but they have no plans to announce a split right now. They’re not divorcing. They seem to be doing a lot better. They’re both wearing their wedding bands.”

Wait. So Heidi and Seal are trying to fix their marriage by spending all their time together? Didn’t spending time together fuck them up in the first place? The problem is that they’re always fighting, so now they’re in a house together where they can fight all the time. The fuck kind of solution is that? If that solution was on a dress form, Tim Gunn would sashay in and kick it to the floor before saying “Make it work!”

I think that when a married couple is fighting all the time and they need to be in the same house together they should look to Oprah’s “pretend you have a British houseguest” marital advice as the solution to their problems. And by that I mean, they should stop fighting to make fun of Oprah and her ridiculous ass marital advice. Making fun of Oprah can be the glue that holds your marriage together.