Aaaaand Here We Go Again

During her last pregnancy, Jessica Simpson broke every copy of Elle’s Photoshop when she posed nekkid ass nekkid and talked non-stop about how she couldn’t get enough of Eric Johnson sticking his gold digging peen up into her amniotic fluid ocean. And now we’re doing it all over again. Chestica tweeted this picture of her making third degree duckface while showing off the skin globe where her second baby is growing. Since Jessica and Eric are horniest when she’s knocked up, I don’t even want to think of the things they’re doing with her deep ass belly button. Let’s not go to that place. It’s way too late in the year for that shit.

And judging by her last pregnancy, I’m guessing she’s about 10 days knocked up here. Only 545 days to go!

via UsWeekly 

Fuck Off, Weight Watchers

With a belly full of baby #2, Jessica Simpson has announced that she’s going off of her Weight Watchers diet for now. DUH. (Read: Jessica got knocked up again just so she could belly up to the Golden Corral buffet without WW’s being all up in her face about it. “FUCK a bunch of three million dollars, FOOD, bitches!!!” – Jessica) In a statement, Weight Watchers wished her luck with her new family while holding their middle fingers up under the table and threw her no public shade for her decision.

From Yahoo! News:

“It’s wonderful news and we couldn’t be happier for Jessica, Eric [Johnson] and big sister-to-be Maxwell,” Cheryl Callan, Senior Vice President of Marketing at Weight Watchers, said in a statement on Wednesday.

I say if you’re Jessica Simpson, and can afford to turn down $3 million while burping out babies and Arby’s curly fries, more power to you. And who the hell wants to diet while they’re pregnant, except for do-goody moms who actually follow doctor’s instructions?? YUCK. I mean, she already lost over 50 pounds from her first pregnancy that ended a week ago, what the hell do you want from her?? On a related note, PopTarts, Country Crock, and Krispy Kreme stock just shot through the roof. Seriously, pregnant women are not supposed to be on Weight Watchers, as is emblazoned across the bottorm of the screen at the end of this not-redneck-at-all video where Jessica announces she’s only quitting FOR NOW.

And here are a couple more pics of Jessica walking on the beach in Hawaii with her baby daddy Eric Johnston while she is coyly covering her baby bump. If Michael K wants to see her in person, he should just follow the trail of empty Entenmann’s boxes.

Jessica Simpson Confirms What Everybody Already Knew

Bitches can stop throwing Jessica Simpson a “GUUURRRRRL, you just swallowed three lifetimes of Weight Watchers points” side-eye when she puts her mouth around a Pop-Tarts and three sticks of butter sandwich, because she’s eating buttered Pop-Tarts for two now. Jessica tweeted this picture of Baby Maxwell this morning and it’s her way of letting everyone know that she’ll be birfing out her second baby in about 98 weeks or so. My hungover eyes saw this pic and thought the words read “BIG TITS.” That makes sense too since the last time Chestica got knocked up, her chichis grew to the size of Papa Joe’s bulging eyeballs when he sees a hairless, blonde twink sashaying by.

About a month ago, UsWeekly put a No Vacancy sign over Jessica’s uterus when they said that she came down with another case of the babies just a few months after she gave birth to Baby Maxwell. Then Weight Watchers threw a mountain of money at her, she lost 50 pounds and then said, “Fuckit, losing weight is overrated, I’m hongray!“

Weight Watchers didn’t miss a second and tweeted some words for Chestica:

Congrats to @JessicaSimpson, Eric and big-sister-to-be Maxwell! Your WW family is so thrilled for you. What an amazing year you’ve had!

Translation: “Um, here’s the receipt, can we go our moneys back?”

But really, congratulations to Chestica, Whatshisname and the makers of Pop-Tarts who will have another record-breaking year!

via People

Buttered Pop-Tarts For Everyone!

The last puddle on the streets of Los Angeles from the last great amniotic fluid flood that was Jessica Simpson’s birth hasn’t even dried up, but she might already be knocked up with her second kid. It was just seven months ago when Maxwell Drew rode her tricycle out of Chestica’s coochie after being up in there for approximately 26 trimesters and now a source tells UsWeekly that another fetus moved into her womb 9 weeks ago. Well, I guess that’s one way to get out of your Weight Watchers contract.

Jessica’s rep hasn’t opened their mouth about this yet, but they can take the day off, because some source is spilling all the details for them. The source says that this is one of those whoops-a-babies (Side note: “Whoops-a-babies” sounds like Kate Gosselin’s favorite sport.) and Jessica and Whateverhisnameis didn’t exactly plan to have another kid so soon after the first. But that’s the funny thing about making babies. Sometimes when you take bare loads to the ovaries, a baby happens! This is Jessica’s cue to start screaming at nature for lying to her by saying that you can’t make a baby if you’re squirting leche from your nipple knobs. Jessica found out the real way that sometimes breastfeeding isn’t nature’s birth control.

So this is why when I went to El Pollo Loco last night to order their entire stock of chocolate nachos, the lady at the window told me that a screeching tornado of blond hair came through and picked up every last delicious chocolate tortilla chip. Damn you, Jessica. Another 7 months of hos telling me that they’re all out of chocolate nachos.

This is good news for so many reasons. Whateverhisname just won another 18 years of not working. Hostess gets to stay in business now. And thanks to Jessica blabbing about the joys of pregnancy sex over and over again, Papa Joe can frolic on all the twink butt he wants without nosy tabloid reporters sniffing up his ass. (“But I like it when they sniff up my ass.” – Papa Joe)

Where Are Her Feets?!

Jessica Simpson somehow found the strength to pull herself out of the fetal position she curled into the second she found out Hostess was dead (or not) and she put on an oh-so-brave face to sign autographs with her sister Ashlee Simpson at an event for her shoe collection at Dillard’s in Tampa, FL on Saturday afternoon. UsWeekly says that Jessica has lost around 60 pounds of chunk ever since Weight Watchers waved a multi-million dollar check at her face and I’m guessing that about 5 of those pounds were lost after she cut her feet off! Bitch, your jeans ate your toes.

I know some shorties wear shoe-covering boot cut jeans to make themselves look taller, but I don’t get how not having VF (visible feets) makes a ho look taller. It just makes Jessica Simpson look she’s got toe-less hooves. I feel like she should be shaking a plastic tub full of coins while singing, “I have no feets.”

Willam, Is That You?

The chunk just keeps melting off of Jessica Simpson (and no, I’m not going to say that Papa Joe is using her melted chunk for butt lube. I’m not going to….) and she showed off her new multi-million dollar Weight Watchers body by dressing up as a Scottish wench for Halloween. This is the hottest Chestica has looked in centuries and I’m not only saying that because her chichi balls are bigger than that baby’s body. I’m only saying that, because she looks like a replica of Drag Race Willam in the face.

Jessica dressed her daughter up as a rooster (or maybe she’s a shower puff) and her fiance, who her family refers to as “Oh, You’re Still Here,” dressed up as Braveheart Mel Gibson. Since he’s Mel Gibson for Halloween, I’m guessing he’s going to take it all the way by screaming at Jessica to blow him before Jacuzzi. They’ll eventually compromise by slathering strawberry Fluff on his peen. Peen and Fluff is only 2 Weight Watchers points. I checked.

And when Whatshisname is done with that wig, he needs to give it to Papa Joe. Anything is better than the bleached mid-life crisis that’s on Papa Joe’s head right now.

via @JessicaSimpson