Kim Kardashian Sang Goodbye To Jay Leno With A Butt Joke

Last night, Mac Tonight’s half-brother, Jay Leno stepped down as host of NBC’s The Tonight Show after 22 years, which is either great news if you’re a person under 40, or the worst news possible if you’re an elderly woman who’s only reason for living is to mail in wacky newspaper clippings. Personally, my preference for robot skeleton sidekicks makes me more of a Craig Ferguson person, so I could give a shit about Leno. But 22 years at any job should be celebrated, so I’ll pop a bottle of Baileys in his honor today.

Since I can kind-of remember Johnny Carson’s final episode (or maybe I’m thinking of Krusty’s comeback special from The Simpsons) it was my understanding that NBC sends you out with a bang. Instead, NBC broke with tradition and assembled a real who’s-who (no literally, who?) to sing a rendition of So Long, Farewell from The Sound Of Music led by a super realistic-looking wax figure of Billy Crystal. Included in the group of people who looked truly ashamed to be there (snaps to a defeated-sounding Jim Parsons for not shooting himself right there on the spot) was Kim Kardashian, who looked like the slutty entry in the Milwaukee Brewers 6th inning sausage race. Kim waddled out and sang (musically nasal’ed might be a better description) a tongue-in-cheek verse about how she’s the easiest of targets:

“So long, farewell, tonight I told my folks – and now, I won’t be the butt of Leno’s jokes.”

Thankfully there’s still Letterman, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Craig Ferguson, Chelsea Handler, SNL, myself, most of the internet, and the good people of Twitter who will be able to pick up where Leno left off. And Jay Leno can kick back in one of his many billion-dollars cars thanking the TV gods he doesn’t have to talk about her dumb ass anymore.

And my Say Something Nice is the following: Kim’s face is able to move more freely than I thought! Did you see when she almost opened her eyes all the way? She practically looked alive!

NBC Confirms What Everybody Has Known For Weeks

Unfortunately for me, NBC didn’t announce today that they’re going to save the network by replacing Jay Leno as the host of The Tonight Show with a naked Anderson Cooper (and The Hammaconda as his sidekick), but they did announce that The Almighty Chin will retire and Jimmy Fallon will replace him. Fallon will take over next spring and The Tonight Show will move to NYC. NBC also said that Lorne Michaels will take over as executive producer. Deadline is hearing that Seth Meyers is still talking to NBC about taking Jimmy Fallon’s soon-to-be old job. Here’s a piece of NBC’s press release:

UNIVERSAL CITY, Calif. – April 3, 2012 – Jay Leno, longtime host of NBC’s “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” announced today that he will wrap up what will be 22 years of headlining the iconic late-night show in Spring 2014. NBC also announced today that Jimmy Fallon, now host of NBC’s “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon,” will transition into new hosting duties on “The Tonight Show” franchise after Leno concludes his successful run.

As part of the transition, “The Tonight Show” will be returning to its original home in 30 Rock in New York and will be executive-produced by Emmy Award winner Lorne Michaels (“Saturday Night Live,” “30 Rock”). Programming plans for the 12:35 a.m. (ET) time period currently are in development and will be announced soon. Said Leno: “Congratulations Jimmy. I hope you’re as lucky as me and hold on to the job until you’re the old guy. If you need me, I’ll be at the garage.”

Said Fallon: “I’m really excited to host a show that starts today instead of tomorrow.”

Our thoughts and prayers should be with every staff member at every nursing home, because the oldies will throw their caramel squares across the room and slap down tricks when they hear this news. But they shouldn’t get too upset. I’m sure NBC will put Jimmy Fallon on a bus headed for TBS as soon as Jay Leno decides he wants his job back.